by Joel Decker
by Jacob Dyck
by Corey Knowlton as told to Joel Decker
Hello. My name is Corey Knowlton and you might know me from my appearances on Jim Shockey’s The Professionals. Maybe you or a friend have been on one of the many organized hunts I’ve planned for people. Probably not though. You probably only know me as the guy who won an auction that lets me kill a black rhino. Sounds bad, right? Before you jump to any conclusions, hear me out.
People love polls! People also love Poles. People also love poles. That’s the end of poll puns. Because the people love a good showdown, we decided to jump on the bandwagon and give the people what they want. Everyday at noon Little Tiny Brain will post a useless poll for you. What’s the point of it? We don’t know, and frankly, barely care. So have fun and vote!
The guy who played the Professor on ‘Gilligan’s Island’ died yesterday. He also appeared in the Sci-Fi classics ‘This Island Earth’ and ‘It Came from Outer Space’, but I prefer to remember him in his proudest hour. As deeply saddened as I and the other members of the Gilligang are by this loss, life moves on. But it doesn’t move on without me being reminded of my own impending demise. Did you know non-famous people die all the time? It’s true, swear to god. Below are just a few of the losers who had the audacity to die without being the guy who made coconut radios to amuse slack-jawed sentience-wasters. Read these LTB obits and laugh at the funniest joke of all: Mortality!
by Jacob Dyck
(Note: Dr. Science-man is neither a doctor nor a scientist. And, to hear his ex-wife tell it, he’s not really much of a man. The following factisms are for entertainment purposes only. Any loss of life which may occur as a result of attempting to apply these factisms to an emergency situation is the fault of whichever liberal institution taught you how to read. Enjoy!)
by Jacob Dyck and America’s Founding Fathers
So another mindless shooting in a public place happened yesterday. I realize this narrows the possible date down to any one of the previous five thousand days, so for the sake of clarity, today is January 14, 2014. (And up until yesterday I was still writing 2013 on my public shooting stories!) More important than the date is it’s once again time for half of Facebook to make a cogent, compassionate point about gun control and for the other half of Facebook to say “SECOND AMENDMENT! ARF! ARF! GRRRRRR… ARF!”
Tonight the Golden Globe Awards air on NBC. It will be a night of drunken celebrities kissing each other’s asses for hours on end. Someone will say something moving. Someone will say something dumb. Everyone will forget in a year. It’s going to be a long, drawn out affair not as slow as the Oscars, but not far from it.
That’s where Little Tiny Brain comes in.
Little Tiny Brain will be live Tweeting the whole show. So head on over to Twitter about the time the show starts and follow us. You’ll be glad you did. So will your friends who you can annoy with all the amazing humor we’re gonna dump on Twitter for you.
Follow us @littletinybrain
by Jacob Dyck
The Satanic Temple, a religious group based in New York (and the spot Satan rubs when he has a migraine), has unveiled a design for a monument they hope to install at the Oklahoma State Capitol. The 7-foot-tall monument would include a goat-headed Baphomet figure flanked by two smiling children. I know what you’re thinking: “Which one of the many statues depicting a gay orgy will have to be swapped out for Baphomet?”. Well never you mind; the Oklahoma State Capitol will still feature many gay orgies for you and the whole family to enjoy.