Answer an Expert

by Professor Nicholas Goodwin as told to Jacob Dyck

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We who are cursed with the status of “expert” have long been called upon to offer articulate words of advice to the masses who neither heed informed advice nor understand articulation. You’ve asked us to help you with jobs, schooling, relationships, child-rearing and all other aspects of life you intellectually helpless gravy/beer-chuggers can’t seem to navigate on your own. Well enough is enough. Why should I suffer the hell of solving all my own problems simply because I’m mentally capable? It is now my turn to seek guidance from the other half (half in this case means 99.99999%). Please answer my pleas for help below, you drooling clods.

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The Re-Watchable Harold Ramis

by Brad Chad Porter

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When a famous person dies in America there is a strange social reflex. It is a moment we share. Some of us make jokes seeking to capitalize on the attention. Some of us gush and otherwise publically grieve, despite our thousands of degrees of separation from the deceased, in order to puff up our sense of self importance. “If I speak eloquently and emotionally enough about the famous dead it’s almost as though we were really friends.”

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Cynicism Be Damned. Well, for 2min 53sec Anyway.

by Joel Decker

Little Tiny Brain can be cynical sometimes. Is it the fault of our generation, cruel women, knowing people less talented are making way more money than us or our good ol’ fashioned American sense of liberal entitlement going unfulfilled? All of those things, really.

It’s nice to stumble upon a psychological respite from weeks of bathing in the glorious angst that is True Detective and our own sense of self loathing. The above video is a great example of what can be accomplished when technological ingenuity, disregard for copyright law and talent meet. We’d probably accomplish the same thing if we had any knowledge of video production and a super cute and talented girlfriend who seems to be up for trying awesome things. Think that dude got the last one. Thanks a lot, good looking videographer bearded guy!

So take a break from your life for a couple minutes. We’ll be back to the special brand of “comedy” all twelve of you love tomorrow.

Thanks to Justin Baker.

It’s 2014. Stop Burning The Goddamn Popcorn.

Posted in the Break Room by Shift Manager Chester Harrington as seen by Joel Decker

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Attention all.

A situation has been brought to my attention and I’m going to need all to comply with the following; please, stop burning the goddamn popcorn. If this doesn’t stop, you will be terminated. I’m not singling anyone out, but whenever the goddamn popcorn is burnt the entire office smells like deep fried abortion.

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Happy Presidents Day. I Guess.

by George Washington as told to Joel Decker

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Happy Presidents Day, America. It has been quite some time since I’ve penned a missive with regards to the country I fathered. Though I ceased to exist in physical form in 1799, I’ve kept a watchful eye from the dimension you all will reside in once you too stop being “alive”. Life on Earth is nothing when compared to the postmortem utopia that is “Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson’s 4th Dimension Soul Receptacle/Waffle Shack”. Spoiler Alert! Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson is God’s real name. Also, the waffles are exquisite here. Exquisite.

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