McDonald’s: I’m Really Lovin’ It!

by Little Tiny Brain Food Critic, Louis Fowler

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As a professional food critic, I love a good hamburger. But, truth be told, I love a bad hamburger too, and boy oh boy, I’ve had my fair share of them! But, for the sake of this food review article, let’s go ahead and return to the original premise that I like hamburgers (and cheeseburgers) of higher quality.

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Jacob (sigh) Previews this Summer’s Hollywood (ugh) Blockbusters (groan)

by Jacob Dyck

blockbusterUnbearable heat? Check. Insufferable children everywhere you go because school’s out? Check. Fat girls wearing shit fat girls simply shouldn’t wear? Check. Yep, summer is pretty fucking awful; but at least we can count on highly original, deeply emotional stories at the local multiplex to lift our spirits, right? Right? Tell that goddamn cricket to shut up.

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#AskHarland – Advice from a Grizzled Veteran of Five* Foreign Wars

by Harland R. DouglasChad McNaughton

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As writer/comedians, we at LTB long for a way to be unique in this ever-expanding, vast sea of shit. But as total amateur idiots, we’re also not above hopping on the advice column bandwagon. Which probably doesn’t even exist. Anyway, we tried to get outside of the box with this thing, so for our experienced advisor, we went with the insane, hilarious, and extremely dangerous Harland Douglas – a homeless war vet who lives behind the warehouse where I work. In return for hot food and expired medicine, Harland has agreed to answer any questions that I pose to him.

These aren’t easy posts to write, so they’re going to be rare, as he’s a belligerently drunken sociopath who misses the taste of human blood the way I miss having a pretty girl’s foot in my mouth. So yes – he’s very difficult to work with. Basically, I scream the question to him and the actual advice gets dictated to me by Harland, yelling back from underneath his abandoned railroad car outside my office window.

So sit back and enjoy the sage advice of a man who once “ate an entire litter of puppies” just to prove it could be done. And if you need advice, just hit us up on Twitter with the hashtag #AskHarland or send an email to littletinybrain@gmail.com, and we’ll put his years of expertise in combat savagery and human suffering to the test. And now, here’s a lovesick reader and her reply from Harland..

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CLASSLESS: Uninspiring Final Moments

by Chad McNaughton

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Ronald Jenkins of Columbus, OH – 44yrs old: Dying from a case of full-blown bullet-in-the-stomach, Ronald had precious little time to make his last act on this Earth meaningful. Unfortunately, Ronald was a dirtbag and a criminal, and his death ended up being as pointless as his life. Because before bleeding out through the pulsating, crimson hole in his gut, Ronald managed one last, depraved act.

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It’s 2014. Stop Burning The Goddamn Popcorn.

Posted in the Break Room by Shift Manager Chester Harrington as seen by Joel Decker

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Attention all.

A situation has been brought to my attention and I’m going to need all to comply with the following; please, stop burning the goddamn popcorn. If this doesn’t stop, you will be terminated. I’m not singling anyone out, but whenever the goddamn popcorn is burnt the entire office smells like deep fried abortion.

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Happy Presidents Day. I Guess.

by George Washington as told to Joel Decker

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Happy Presidents Day, America. It has been quite some time since I’ve penned a missive with regards to the country I fathered. Though I ceased to exist in physical form in 1799, I’ve kept a watchful eye from the dimension you all will reside in once you too stop being “alive”. Life on Earth is nothing when compared to the postmortem utopia that is “Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson’s 4th Dimension Soul Receptacle/Waffle Shack”. Spoiler Alert! Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson is God’s real name. Also, the waffles are exquisite here. Exquisite.

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What to expect when you’re expecting!

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by Spencer Hicks

It’s like my dad always said, “In utero, no one can hear you scream.” Did I mention my dad was an abortion doctor? It’s true, he went to abortion school and got his doctorate. He learned that “screaming” tidbit, day one.

Sorry, I’m a liar. But my wife is pregnant and we are expecting a son. I’m excited about it, and also scared shitless.

A lot happens in the time leading up to the birth of your first child, and I would like to give the non-parents a heads-up of what to expect.

Pregnancy Progression Pics

Thanks to Instagram, your wife will post a weekly picture of herself as the baby grows. Have you ever watched a .gif of someone who takes a weekly picture of themselves as they go through a new exercise routine? It’s the opposite of that. You can watch the love of your life’s body get destroyed by a child you will love unconditionally. All the CrossFit in the world won’t fix that.

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