LTB Useless Noon Poll

by Joel Decker

That “Thing” You’ve Been Keeping Your Keys in is Priceless

by Dr. Rutherford Benson III Certified Appraiser for Antiques Roadshow as told to Joel Decker

image_previewWell, here I am again in “beautiful” Phoenix, Arizona waiting on the parade of the clueless and obese as they traipse their “treasures” in, of which 99% will be worth zero dollars yet cost me minutes of my life. I sit here waiting to see the delusional hillbillies as they bring forth a red wagon full of their grandfather’s collection of decade old whiskey bottles, numerous VHS copies of Top Gun and “Big Johnson” t-shirts. How clever.

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Little Tiny Brain Obituaries

by Jacob Dyck & Joel Decker

The_Professor_(Gilligan's_Island)

The guy who played the Professor on ‘Gilligan’s Island’ died yesterday. He also appeared in the Sci-Fi classics ‘This Island Earth’ and ‘It Came from Outer Space’, but I prefer to remember him in his proudest hour. As deeply saddened as I and the other members of the Gilligang are by this loss, life moves on. But it doesn’t move on without me being reminded of my own impending demise. Did you know non-famous people die all the time? It’s true, swear to god. Below are just a few of the losers who had the audacity to die without being the guy who made coconut radios to amuse slack-jawed sentience-wasters. Read these LTB obits and laugh at the funniest joke of all: Mortality!

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