by Jacob Dyck
Unbearable heat? Check. Insufferable children everywhere you go because school’s out? Check. Fat girls wearing shit fat girls simply shouldn’t wear? Check. Yep, summer is pretty fucking awful; but at least we can count on highly original, deeply emotional stories at the local multiplex to lift our spirits, right? Right? Tell that goddamn cricket to shut up.
by Joel Decker
A huge thank you to everyone who came out to watch Little Tiny Brain obliterate Baywatch Nights last Friday at The Paramount on Film Row.
Lot of people want to know what the next show we’ll be doing is. Here ya go.
by Professor Nicholas Goodwin as told to Jacob Dyck
We who are cursed with the status of “expert” have long been called upon to offer articulate words of advice to the masses who neither heed informed advice nor understand articulation. You’ve asked us to help you with jobs, schooling, relationships, child-rearing and all other aspects of life you intellectually helpless gravy/beer-chuggers can’t seem to navigate on your own. Well enough is enough. Why should I suffer the hell of solving all my own problems simply because I’m mentally capable? It is now my turn to seek guidance from the other half (half in this case means 99.99999%). Please answer my pleas for help below, you drooling clods.
by Harland R. Douglas & Chad McNaughton
As writer/comedians, we at LTB long for a way to be unique in this ever-expanding, vast sea of shit. But as total amateur idiots, we’re also not above hopping on the advice column bandwagon. Which probably doesn’t even exist. Anyway, we tried to get outside of the box with this thing, so for our experienced advisor, we went with the insane, hilarious, and extremely dangerous Harland Douglas – a homeless war vet who lives behind the warehouse where I work. In return for hot food and expired medicine, Harland has agreed to answer any questions that I pose to him.
These aren’t easy posts to write, so they’re going to be rare, as he’s a belligerently drunken sociopath who misses the taste of human blood the way I miss having a pretty girl’s foot in my mouth. So yes – he’s very difficult to work with. Basically, I scream the question to him and the actual advice gets dictated to me by Harland, yelling back from underneath his abandoned railroad car outside my office window.
So sit back and enjoy the sage advice of a man who once “ate an entire litter of puppies” just to prove it could be done. And if you need advice, just hit us up on Twitter with the hashtag #AskHarland or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, and we’ll put his years of expertise in combat savagery and human suffering to the test. And now, here’s a lovesick reader and her reply from Harland..
by Joel Decker
Have we posted this before? Probably. Do we care? No. Is it out best work? Not at all, but trust us when we say it’s not the worst thing we’ve ever done. Or probably will do.
by Chad McNaughton
Ronald Jenkins of Columbus, OH – 44yrs old: Dying from a case of full-blown bullet-in-the-stomach, Ronald had precious little time to make his last act on this Earth meaningful. Unfortunately, Ronald was a dirtbag and a criminal, and his death ended up being as pointless as his life. Because before bleeding out through the pulsating, crimson hole in his gut, Ronald managed one last, depraved act.
by George Washington as told to Joel Decker
Happy Presidents Day, America. It has been quite some time since I’ve penned a missive with regards to the country I fathered. Though I ceased to exist in physical form in 1799, I’ve kept a watchful eye from the dimension you all will reside in once you too stop being “alive”. Life on Earth is nothing when compared to the postmortem utopia that is “Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson’s 4th Dimension Soul Receptacle/Waffle Shack”. Spoiler Alert! Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson is God’s real name. Also, the waffles are exquisite here. Exquisite.
by Joel Decker and Louis Fowler
Today 7 billion roses will be delivered in the United States, according to a study we just made up. Accompanying those flowers are sappy cards. Sappy flower cards are the original Twitter in you have to express how you feel in a small amount of space. We’ve compiled some of the worst cards to be delivered with flowers in the history of Valentine’s. Enjoy!