Cynicism Be Damned. Well, for 2min 53sec Anyway.

by Joel Decker

Little Tiny Brain can be cynical sometimes. Is it the fault of our generation, cruel women, knowing people less talented are making way more money than us or our good ol’ fashioned American sense of liberal entitlement going unfulfilled? All of those things, really.

It’s nice to stumble upon a psychological respite from weeks of bathing in the glorious angst that is True Detective and our own sense of self loathing. The above video is a great example of what can be accomplished when technological ingenuity, disregard for copyright law and talent meet. We’d probably accomplish the same thing if we had any knowledge of video production and a super cute and talented girlfriend who seems to be up for trying awesome things. Think that dude got the last one. Thanks a lot, good looking videographer bearded guy!

So take a break from your life for a couple minutes. We’ll be back to the special brand of “comedy” all twelve of you love tomorrow.

Thanks to Justin Baker.

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CLASSLESS: Uninspiring Final Moments

by Chad McNaughton

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Ronald Jenkins of Columbus, OH – 44yrs old: Dying from a case of full-blown bullet-in-the-stomach, Ronald had precious little time to make his last act on this Earth meaningful. Unfortunately, Ronald was a dirtbag and a criminal, and his death ended up being as pointless as his life. Because before bleeding out through the pulsating, crimson hole in his gut, Ronald managed one last, depraved act.

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It’s 2014. Stop Burning The Goddamn Popcorn.

Posted in the Break Room by Shift Manager Chester Harrington as seen by Joel Decker

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Attention all.

A situation has been brought to my attention and I’m going to need all to comply with the following; please, stop burning the goddamn popcorn. If this doesn’t stop, you will be terminated. I’m not singling anyone out, but whenever the goddamn popcorn is burnt the entire office smells like deep fried abortion.

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Happy Presidents Day. I Guess.

by George Washington as told to Joel Decker

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Happy Presidents Day, America. It has been quite some time since I’ve penned a missive with regards to the country I fathered. Though I ceased to exist in physical form in 1799, I’ve kept a watchful eye from the dimension you all will reside in once you too stop being “alive”. Life on Earth is nothing when compared to the postmortem utopia that is “Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson’s 4th Dimension Soul Receptacle/Waffle Shack”. Spoiler Alert! Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson is God’s real name. Also, the waffles are exquisite here. Exquisite.

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Happy Valentine’s Day From Helen!

From Helen in Payroll as told to Joel Decker

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From: Helen.Portschwaller@payroll.EagleInsurance.co

To: All Employees

Subject: Valentine’s Day!

Sent: Fri February 14, 2014 07:59 AM

Hey y’all!

Helen here! Your favorite payroll representative! Just wanted to send this e-mail to everyone to wish them a happy Valentine’s Day! Also, make sure to have your payroll e-mails to me by end of day so we can make sure you get your checks on Monday!

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