It’s 2014. Stop Burning The Goddamn Popcorn.

Posted in the Break Room by Shift Manager Chester Harrington as seen by Joel Decker

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Attention all.

A situation has been brought to my attention and I’m going to need all to comply with the following; please, stop burning the goddamn popcorn. If this doesn’t stop, you will be terminated. I’m not singling anyone out, but whenever the goddamn popcorn is burnt the entire office smells like deep fried abortion.

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That “Thing” You’ve Been Keeping Your Keys in is Priceless

by Dr. Rutherford Benson III Certified Appraiser for Antiques Roadshow as told to Joel Decker

image_previewWell, here I am again in “beautiful” Phoenix, Arizona waiting on the parade of the clueless and obese as they traipse their “treasures” in, of which 99% will be worth zero dollars yet cost me minutes of my life. I sit here waiting to see the delusional hillbillies as they bring forth a red wagon full of their grandfather’s collection of decade old whiskey bottles, numerous VHS copies of Top Gun and “Big Johnson” t-shirts. How clever.

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Little Tiny Brain Live Tweets The Golden Globe Awards

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Tonight the Golden Globe Awards air on NBC. It will be a night of drunken celebrities kissing each other’s asses for hours on end. Someone will say something moving. Someone will say something dumb. Everyone will forget in a year. It’s going to be a long, drawn out affair not as slow as the Oscars, but not far from it.

That’s where Little Tiny Brain comes in.

Little Tiny Brain will be live Tweeting the whole show. So head on over to Twitter about the time the show starts and follow us. You’ll be glad you did. So will your friends who you can annoy with all the amazing humor we’re gonna dump on Twitter for you.

Follow us @littletinybrain

You’re welcome.

#GoldenGlobes #LTB

Zooey Deschanel, Please Stop Calling Me

By Chad McNaughton

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Zooey, babe. Come on. This is getting crazy. I know you’re hurting after the divorce, but really – you’ve got to give up on me. I can’t be your only shot at a normal life, and I’ve got to draw the line somewhere to preserve my own sanity. Apparently that line is forty-three voicemails in one day. And you sang in all but one of them! I kind of saw that coming, actually.

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Spencer’s Cuddlin’ Corner

by Spencer Hicks

Here is an interesting fact: An estimated 2.7 million healthy shelter pets are not adopted each year. When animals are not given a safe, loving home they are killed, or worse… forced to play “Sandy” in local productions of Annie.

To raise awareness of the used pets in our area, Little Tiny Brain is going to profile some of the cuddly creatures available at the local shelter.

Lisa

This is Lisa! She is a 4 week old calico/lesbian mix, just waiting to be welcomed into your loving home! Lisa was found without tags in the women’s restroom of a Home Depot. She hasn’t had any shots because we don’t want Lisa’s offspring to have autism.

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Joel’s Big Dumb Head

by Joel Decker

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UPDATE: Joel has since received an 8 5/8 Yankees New Era Cap as a Christmas gift. Thank god. His whining was bringing us all down. – LTB

Anyone who knows Joel personally is well aware how large his cranium is. -insert Rocky Dennis joke here- A couple of years ago Joel managed to get an official New York Yankees ball cap from New Era, the official hat provider for Major League Baseball.

Joel decided to take the hat to a dry cleaners, where they shrunk it. What follows is Joel’s e-mail interaction with the fine folks at New Era in an attempt to buy a new ball cap.

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Some Occurrences that Happened to Some Guy

by Jacob Dyck

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Little Tiny Brain isn’t just a collective of smart asses. We have hearts and minds. We have souls. We appreciate more than fart jokes, porn and nachos. We’re human.

Our resident fine art enthusiast Jacob Dyck took pen to paper recently in one of many future forays into literature of the highest caliber. We proudly present his first piece “Some Occurrences that Happened to Some Guy”.

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Welcome to the All New, All New, Little Tiny Brain.com!

by Joel Decker

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Little Tiny Brain is none too smart at things beyond our talent scope. This includes talking to pretty girls, not crying at Pixar movies and almost anything technology related. So we had to take a few days off and take a crash course in non “WIX” related websites. Man oh man was WIX a joke. Oof.

So, just like Black Jesus, we’re back and better than we were 3 days ago! And, not unlike Black Jesus, we’re largely ignored.

– #LTB