Posted in the Break Room by Shift Manager Chester Harrington as seen by Joel Decker
A situation has been brought to my attention and I’m going to need all to comply with the following; please, stop burning the goddamn popcorn. If this doesn’t stop, you will be terminated. I’m not singling anyone out, but whenever the goddamn popcorn is burnt the entire office smells like deep fried abortion.
by George Washington as told to Joel Decker
Happy Presidents Day, America. It has been quite some time since I’ve penned a missive with regards to the country I fathered. Though I ceased to exist in physical form in 1799, I’ve kept a watchful eye from the dimension you all will reside in once you too stop being “alive”. Life on Earth is nothing when compared to the postmortem utopia that is “Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson’s 4th Dimension Soul Receptacle/Waffle Shack”. Spoiler Alert! Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson is God’s real name. Also, the waffles are exquisite here. Exquisite.
From Helen in Payroll as told to Joel Decker
To: All Employees
Subject: Valentine’s Day!
Sent: Fri February 14, 2014 07:59 AM
Helen here! Your favorite payroll representative! Just wanted to send this e-mail to everyone to wish them a happy Valentine’s Day! Also, make sure to have your payroll e-mails to me by end of day so we can make sure you get your checks on Monday!
by Marius the Giraffe Ghost as told to Joel Decker
What up? I’m Marius, the Danish Giraffe everyone all of a sudden cares about. In case you’re not familiar with my plight, let me give you a bit of back story.
by The Athlete You Didn’t Know Existed Until Now and Won’t Care Existed In Two Weeks as told to Joel Decker
Hey, America! I’m your new favorite athlete. Sure, you didn’t know I existed until I did that thing you didn’t know I could do, but you love me now!
by Ivan Drago as told to Joel Decker
Hello America. Is Ivan Drago, your enemy from match of boxing with Rocky Balboa in 1980’s. First, let me say how sorry I am for killing Apollo Creed. Is not my faults. I was in complete steroid blackout for whole time was in U.S. and A. When I was told what I had done I felt such shame, both at killing famous black boxer and not asking famous black man James Brown for autograph. Is sad for Drago since Drago like James Brown very much. Feel like sex machine!
by Pepsi as told to Joel Decker
If you’re anything like the God fearing patriots who make Pepsi are, you were outraged by the recent Super Bowl commercial for Coca-Cola featuring “America the Beautiful” sung in many languages other than English. It is a travesty of the worst kind to have such an integral part of America’s culture disrespected in such an offensive and blatant manner by a company so many hold dear.