Good morning, rubes. I hope your Sunday night was peaceful and restorative, giving you the get up and go you’ll need to tackle another week in our brutally-horrific reality. But if you’re like most of the damn country, you got no peace because you watched every single second of the 2014 Grammy Awards® ceremony. Well, good for you. Now you know who Macklemore is (fun fact: he’s actually the lovechild of tank top model Vin Diesel and the late thespian, Paul Walker) and your stupid kids finally understand the genius of Ringo Starr. Yeehaw. That’s not how Little Tiny Brain lives, folks.
So while you were all mesmerized by various Taylor Swift guffaws and formerly-cool black dudes wearing hats they found on someone’s sleeping Canadian grandpa, we were doing work. That’s right – we were smart enough to pull simultaneous burglary heists on five separate “celebrities” while they attended the Grammys. Here’s a break down of the results, listed by celebrity..