Jacob (sigh) Previews this Summer’s Hollywood (ugh) Blockbusters (groan)

by Jacob Dyck

blockbusterUnbearable heat? Check. Insufferable children everywhere you go because school’s out? Check. Fat girls wearing shit fat girls simply shouldn’t wear? Check. Yep, summer is pretty fucking awful; but at least we can count on highly original, deeply emotional stories at the local multiplex to lift our spirits, right? Right? Tell that goddamn cricket to shut up.

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Answer an Expert

by Professor Nicholas Goodwin as told to Jacob Dyck

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We who are cursed with the status of “expert” have long been called upon to offer articulate words of advice to the masses who neither heed informed advice nor understand articulation. You’ve asked us to help you with jobs, schooling, relationships, child-rearing and all other aspects of life you intellectually helpless gravy/beer-chuggers can’t seem to navigate on your own. Well enough is enough. Why should I suffer the hell of solving all my own problems simply because I’m mentally capable? It is now my turn to seek guidance from the other half (half in this case means 99.99999%). Please answer my pleas for help below, you drooling clods.

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Jake-Up Lines

by Jacob Dyck

Valentines-day-couple

Valentine’s Day is only a few days away, so if you act fast you should be able to find someone to go through the motions with before it arrives. In order to find that “special” someone I suppose you’ll feel inclined to dust off reliable old pick-up lines like “Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only 10 I see.” or “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.” Yes, those are empty words anyone with a functioning larynx can sound out when they feel the urge to make their parts squirt, but no emptier than “I do” and people fall for that shit all the time.

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Are You Ready for Some Commercial-Delivery-System Marketed as a Timeless-Battle-of-Modern-Day-Gladiators by Executives Who Know You’ll Eagerly Swallow Their Market-Researched, Over-hyped Bullshit?!!

by Jacob Dyck

11753583-largeI fell out of love with sports (and life in general) shortly after high school. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal (the same way I understand why cats chase laser pointers), but watching chemically enhanced dickheads/felons engage in a struggle to see who can move a small piece of leather across a grass rectangle doesn’t fascinate me the way it did when I thought Gilligan’s Island was a good show.

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