As writer/comedians, we at LTB long for a way to be unique in this ever-expanding, vast sea of shit. But as total amateur idiots, we’re also not above hopping on the advice column bandwagon. Which probably doesn’t even exist. Anyway, we tried to get outside of the box with this thing, so for our experienced advisor, we went with the insane, hilarious, and extremely dangerous Harland Douglas – a homeless war vet who lives behind the warehouse where I work. In return for hot food and expired medicine, Harland has agreed to answer any questions that I pose to him.
These aren’t easy posts to write, so they’re going to be rare, as he’s a belligerently drunken sociopath who misses the taste of human blood the way I miss having a pretty girl’s foot in my mouth. So yes – he’s very difficult to work with. Basically, I scream the question to him and the actual advice gets dictated to me by Harland, yelling back from underneath his abandoned railroad car outside my office window.
So sit back and enjoy the sage advice of a man who once “ate an entire litter of puppies” just to prove it could be done. And if you need advice, just hit us up on Twitter with the hashtag #AskHarland or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, and we’ll put his years of expertise in combat savagery and human suffering to the test. And now, here’s a lovesick reader and her reply from Harland..
Ronald Jenkins of Columbus, OH – 44yrs old: Dying from a case of full-blown bullet-in-the-stomach, Ronald had precious little time to make his last act on this Earth meaningful. Unfortunately, Ronald was a dirtbag and a criminal, and his death ended up being as pointless as his life. Because before bleeding out through the pulsating, crimson hole in his gut, Ronald managed one last, depraved act.
Good morning, rubes. I hope your Sunday night was peaceful and restorative, giving you the get up and go you’ll need to tackle another week in our brutally-horrific reality. But if you’re like most of the damn country, you got no peace because you watched every single second of the 2014 Grammy Awards® ceremony. Well, good for you. Now you know who Macklemore is (fun fact: he’s actually the lovechild of tank top model Vin Diesel and the late thespian, Paul Walker) and your stupid kids finally understand the genius of Ringo Starr. Yeehaw. That’s not how Little Tiny Brain lives, folks.
So while you were all mesmerized by various Taylor Swift guffaws and formerly-cool black dudes wearing hats they found on someone’s sleeping Canadian grandpa, we were doing work. That’s right – we were smart enough to pull simultaneous burglary heists on five separate “celebrities” while they attended the Grammys. Here’s a break down of the results, listed by celebrity..
Don’t Let his handsome face fool you- every night before he goes to bed, Derek Robinson prays for death.
If you’re reading this then there’s a pretty good chance you’ve at least met me in person. It’s just demographics; I get it. Then you also know that when it comes to our physical bodies, I’m no longer working with a well-kept, precision machine. As a matter of fact, my body has become a monument to our accelerated aging, poor decisions, and a bloodthirsty lust for high-impact, adrenaline-fueled mayhem. So why would I choose to stay in it all the time? Well guess what [dramatic close up] – I don’t! Why, just last week I left my body for an entire afternoon so I could attend a clash between two of the greatest chuckers of dead pig flesh in the history of the NFL, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Wanna hear about it?
by Chad McNaughton
Here at LTB we’re always thinking of you, the valued, sexy reader. All the time. It’s weird. But we
require your constant attention really love you, and we want you to always be your best you. So with that in mind, here’s a few easy steps you can take in your day-to-day life to make sure your intellectual acumen stays like, fully awesome and stuff. I mean, you don’t want to get fired, do you? Better stay smart. Check ’em out after the sexy clicking..