by Little Tiny Brain Food Critic, Louis Fowler
As a professional food critic, I love a good hamburger. But, truth be told, I love a bad hamburger too, and boy oh boy, I’ve had my fair share of them! But, for the sake of this food review article, let’s go ahead and return to the original premise that I like hamburgers (and cheeseburgers) of higher quality.
Take last Wednesday night. Please. My editor Joel assigned me to check out this hole in the wall joint in the city named Ralph’s Ol’ Time Burgers. And old it was! As soon as I ordered my number one (a classic burger and fries with a cherry Coke), the owner, an elderly fella by the name of Ralph (possibly the titular Ralph, but I didn’t check) sauntered up to the counter and started giving me his life story.
World War two…family recipe…foreclosure notice…blah, blah, blah! Let me eat my hamburger in peace, Gramps! And that hamburger definitely was a piece…a piece of (censored)! Filled with grease and onions and about the size of a large saucer, this was a ridiculous attempt to fatten the veins of America’s hearts! And the fries—“fresh-cut” la di da—were also embarrassingly large and hot. Ever heard of moderation, Ralph? No thanks!
Whatever happened to the real good ol’ time hamburgers? The hamburgers that anyone in America can enjoy anytime or anyplace? I’m sure you’ve heard of the famed eatery McDonald’s, I mean, who hasn’t right? They’ve sold over one million hamburgers worldwide to date and even invented the fish sandwich at the insistence of the Pope. Mamma mia, that’s a spicy hamburger!
I haven’t been into a McDonald’s in over one week, so every time I step into one, all I can say is “Ahhhhhh! Home!” Who doesn’t like to straddle up to the counter and tell the waitress “Let me get my usual…the number three. And, yes, supersize that meal!”
Conveniently printing a number on my receipt, I am able to sit at a table and wait for my number to be called. Talk about efficiency! I can sip my Mountain Berry PowerAde—I’m kind of a health nut—and read America’s Newspaper, USA Today, while I wait. Then they call my number!
Oh, yes! This is the life! I unwrap that Big MacDonald sandwich and I know what I’m getting. No surprises. No weird add-ons like onions and Portobello mushrooms…I want a hamburger, not a salad, Nancy! The Big MacDonald is THE hamburger to try if you’re ever in a McDonald’s…I stake my reputation on these personal feelings!
And the fries! You know how “the other guys” dump a pile of “hot” fries on the plate, so hot you burn your tongue? No thank you! McDonald’s always delivers French fries at room temp, thus guaranteeing you’ll always be able to “stuff your face” with them without fear third degree burns on your lips. Ai-yi-yi! You know that’s not covered by Barack Obamacare!
I like McDonald’s because it reminds me of the old fashioned mom and pop burger joint where they know your name and always have something new to try, like their latest offering Mighty Wings. Hot wings and hamburgers??? What will this generation come up with next?
Even though I’m “old-school”, my niece was telling me about the new McCafe that has opened next to her elementary school. She doesn’t like it because they took out the jungle gyms and in their place put books behind locked glass. Classy! I might try it sometime when I get a hankerin’ for a double mocha chai latte with no foam—haha, just kidding, this ain’t no beatnik coffee shop like Starbucks. Keep the poems at home, Grisham!
In closing, McDonald’s commercial slogan “I’m Lovin’ It” truly comes to life as soon as you order one of their hamburgers. From Paris, France to Paris, Texas, make mine McDonald’s!
I give it 3 out of 4 hamburgers. Go check it out today… and tell them Louis said hello. Wink.