by Jacob Dyck
Unbearable heat? Check. Insufferable children everywhere you go because school’s out? Check. Fat girls wearing shit fat girls simply shouldn’t wear? Check. Yep, summer is pretty fucking awful; but at least we can count on highly original, deeply emotional stories at the local multiplex to lift our spirits, right? Right? Tell that goddamn cricket to shut up.
The problem is you’ve only got so much money and time on your hands. You, your “significant” other, and your kids only have one or two weekends a year that aren’t already filled up with their unavoidable nonsense, so you need to be sure your trip to the cinema is worth your time. That’s why I’m here. Below is a list of this summer’s would-be blockbusters.
I preview the horror films produced for the sole purpose of cashing in on the 8 million people who will watch any of those, the family films produced for the sole purpose of cashing in on the 18 million people who will watch any of those, the urban movies produced for the sole purpose of cashing in on the 9 million people who will… you get it. People love to be targeted and sold an awful product. Here are the previews.
- Noah – Tells the story of ER star Noah Wyle. But seriously, this is the uplifting tale in which a loving god murders every person on the planet because they didn’t listen to the perfectly rational man who said god told him to build a zoo-boat.
- Captain America: The Cash-Grab Soldier – In this one Thor is Captain America and Samuel L. Jackson is the guy with the eyepatch who doesn’t do anything. I think Scarlett Johansson is the hot girl again, but I couldn’t tell from the poster. But rest assured, there’s a hot girl.
- The Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Cash-Grabbening – Will there be multiple villains because this is the sequel? You bet your sweet bippy! When it’s over will you say “That was okay I guess”? Fuck yeah! Will some guy at Marvel look at the box office and say “It’s like these people don’t know they have options. Next year, I swear to god, I’ll film Mickey Rooney vigorously scrubbing his taint and it’ll make $200M. People just don’t care. They don’t care about anything.”? Probably!
- X-Men: Cash-Grabs of Future Past – Jesus Christ, Marvel… Are you looking to be the Pixar of mediocrity or the Pixar of spreading yourself thin? Wasn’t showing them in the past what the last one was about? Fuck. I’d rather you have all the X-Men turn into Urkel-bots and fight dinosaurs. Marvel. Marvel. MARVEL!
- Divergent – In the grand tradition of Harry Potter, Twilight and the Hunger Games comes Divergent, the thrilling tale of an author writing a book series targeting young teens and selling millions of copies before a movie studio buys the rights and tells the same story 4-8 times and cashes in on those aforementioned young teens and the 20- and 30-somethings who are intellectually young teens.
- Transcendence – Johnny Depp’s non-Tim Burton movie for the year. Don’t worry, they’ll team up soon enough for their “dark” take on Pinocchio or Wind in the Willows or some other worthless bit of self-parody. Tim Burton will tell the guys in charge of the computers to “make it look like something I would do” and Johnny Depp will wear make-up and a wig while doing a nutty voice. You’ll say you love it roughly 24 hours before you forget everything about it.
- Haunted House 2 – Remember when we had parodies like Young Frankenstein and Airplane? Those were the days. But smashing together pop-culture references and internet memes is funny too, right? If you don’t think so, I only have one thing to say to you: Justin Bieber-grumpy cat-Kardashian-zombies-Miley Cyrus. You can send the hospital bill for sewing up split sides to Little Tiny Brain.
- Godzilla – Sequel to the Matthew Broderick blockbuster. In this one they just talk about how good Taco Bell items are while driving a wide array of Ford vehicles. At the end they Bing “How to kill giant lizards with Sprite” and save the world. Celebration consists of eating Doritos and using Verizon phones to call loved ones.
- Maleficent – Make-up and lighting make Angelina Jolie look hot again. Walt Disney’s head is taken out of stasis for its annual “Show me the opening weekend numbers” meeting.
- Edge of Tomorrow – Tom Cruise once again forgets he can do things other than action movies. Maybe after 50 you can aspire to more personal stories; something a little more daring and introspective. “No, I’m gonna keep running from ‘splosions and let these returns keep on diminishing.” You got it, TC!
- Sabotage – Will provide about 3% as much entertainment as the Beastie Boys video of the same name. Fun fact: that’s not a pumpkin that was a granted life in the lead role; that’s former CA governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Blended – Adam Sandler shits out another one. You know, awful as Hitler was, I ultimately blame the Holocaust on the millions who followed him or looked the other way. In this situation Sandler is Hitler and all of us are the followers or people who looked the other way. Don’t sit idly by as he marches cinema into those showers. If you hear about any friends or co-workers going to see this movie, shame them as hurtfully and often as you can.
- 22 Jumpstreet – The first one wasn’t too bad. I remember none of it, but at least I didn’t find it culturally offensive. One for the movie I saw two years ago, please!
- The Purge 2 – This summer’s movie for people who say “I like gore.” They say this even though the internet exists. I suppose it makes you feel less shame if you slake your bloodlust with something masquerading as a film. I’m assuming these same people watch Showgirls because they like to watch fucking.
- Think Like a Man 2 – When white people pander they be like… When black people pander they be like…
- Transformers: Age of Extinction – So is it the age of extinction for humans or transformers? Or does nothing go extinct and this is simply an “in your face” title? Whatever. Some of the robots are dinosaurs this time! RAWR! Stay tuned for Transformers: The Apocalypsing of Annihilation in Armageddon Smashy Boomy.
- Tammy – Melissa McCarthy once again gets filmed while being fat.
- Jupiter Ascending – Latest from the Wachowskis. Let me check… Sorry. The fuel in the “Good will left over from the first Matrix” tank is officially dried up.
- Hercules – Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson plays Hercules. Yeah, we already did one of those this year, but this one comes out in the summer and stars someone you’ve heard of. Two for “last time we watched a rom-com so now we’re watching one for me” please!
- Expendables 3 – In the third installment, the Expendables still haven’t been expended of. In fact, there are more Expendables than ever. I’m fairly certain the bones of John Wayne, Gary Cooper and Steve McQueen are in this one. As for the story? You’ll be swept up in the romance as a bunch of bullets fall in love with a bunch of heads and chests.
- The Boxtrolls – From the people who made Coraline and Paranorman. No joke. Take your kids to a good movie for once, you fucking assholes. No more sassy talking animals, no more characters saying things like “YOLO!” or dancing to familiar pop songs, no more sacrificing character and story-telling because kids haven’t yet developed standards. They will gradually develop standards with your help. I realize there are adults who think cinema peaked with fast and/or furious cars, and in this case you will need to develop your own standards, but now is as good a time as any to get started on that. YOU’RE the one who decided to shart out a kid; the least you could do is make sure it’s valuable.