by Jacob Dyck
Hey there. It’s me… the guy writing this. Well, mid-March is almost here and that can only mean it’s time for a bunch of college kids to throw spheres through hoops. Because, hey, they don’t play video games, sit through ‘Remedial Class Attendance’ and get BJs from sorority girls for nothing.
To get to the point of why I’m pressing these keys, it’s time for countless groups of co-workers across America to take a break from bitching about the jobs providing them with financial means despite their lack of contribution to mankind so they can fill out March Madness brackets. Most of these people know as much about basketball as they do about quantum physics, but that won’t stop them from filling out brackets and checking them obsessively in order to feel just a twinge of the excitement a spouse and children have failed to provide.
Truth be told, it wouldn’t matter if they understood absolutely everything about basketball, because these things never go the way even the most insightful analyst predicts. Which means any team can win on any given night; which in turn means all events in human history could have gone down differently; which ultimately means none of us are special.
You love the idea of exceptional people because it makes you feel like YOU can be exceptional (or at least a member of an exceptional species), but the truth is, ever since the first upright monkey smeared poop on a wall and some other upright monkey grunted the equivalent of “Amazing!” we’ve been deluding ourselves. If an earthworm could call itself “incredible” it would, but that wouldn’t make it the truth. That’s all you are; an earthworm capable of a lie. Anyway, enjoy these March Madness Bracket Tips.
- Always bet on black. (Tip courtesy of Passenger 57.)
- Make sure you start from the edges of the sheet and work your way in.
- Only pick teams listed on the bracket. Other teams rarely make it past the Sweet Sixteen.
- Copy off Samantha. She thinks Adrian Peterson is a basketball player, but you just know that ignorant bitch is going to win.
- Bring the $20 you were going to put in the pool to a casino and play a slot machine a couple times. Same fucking thing but away from the assholes at work.
- Hang a bracket on your wall and throw darts at it. Or shoot spitballs at it. Or pop loads on it. I’d go with that last one.
- Do what my girlfriend does and pick by mascots. She thinks “I’m fucking your boss!” is going to beat “I’m fucking your brother!” Whatever, Brenda.
- Research the coaches and see which one tells his team to “Give 110%”, “Leave it all on the court” and “Believe in yourself.” That’s usually the best team.
- Tell your HR lady that everyone else involved in the pool called you the n-word. They’ll all get fired and you’ll win by default.
- If you lose you can just give the winner a handy in the supply closet for the prize money.
- Find out about injuries to key players. And remember, “sprained ankle” is just code for “fucked a 15-year old and the college has to handle some shit out of court.”
- Remember: There’s always one Cinderella team. That’s the team that will one day realize it has packed on 40 lbs while looking at the ring that once filled them with deep joy, but is now nothing more than depressing reminder that it’s all been downhill since they turned 20. Oh, they’ll watch the old videos, pull out the old outfits and reminisce with old friends… But the dark cloud of reality will always be there casting its shadow on your shameful little nostalgia trip. One of these days the you will find the strength to pull the trigger.
Thanks for reading. Enjoy the bouncy shooty passy.