Answer an Expert

by Professor Nicholas Goodwin as told to Jacob Dyck


We who are cursed with the status of “expert” have long been called upon to offer articulate words of advice to the masses who neither heed informed advice nor understand articulation. You’ve asked us to help you with jobs, schooling, relationships, child-rearing and all other aspects of life you intellectually helpless gravy/beer-chuggers can’t seem to navigate on your own. Well enough is enough. Why should I suffer the hell of solving all my own problems simply because I’m mentally capable? It is now my turn to seek guidance from the other half (half in this case means 99.99999%). Please answer my pleas for help below, you drooling clods.

Dear Guy who loves Jeff Dunham,

My wife and I can’t seem to decide whether our college-bound son should attend MIT or Harvard. Educationally he will excel at either institution, but we’re unsure whether or not my being a professor at Harvard will influence his college experience positively or negatively. Please help.

Deer Ms. Nick Goodwin,

Which school has more titties? That would be the one he should attend at. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I went to ITT Tech but my main regret is that I didn’t see more titties. Or at least better titties. Good lord… Anywho, I hope this queries your question sufficeately. Now I’m off to watch a bunch of puppets be casually racist in front of an audience that just doesn’t understand it’s lapping up cultural poison.


Dear Texting female with the dead eyes and open mouth,

I recently came into a decent chunk of money when my relatively wealthy uncle passed away. I understand the economy isn’t particularly strong right now, but I’m wondering how to invest. Real estate? Stocks? IRA? Your input would be appreciated.

[deer emoji] nk gudwn

kyla a BITCH!!!!!!!!!!1 she gitin fat az shit 2 [emoji eating pizza] lol – w/e she can git wit mason all she want 2 – he aint all dat anywayz – u hear? cassie preggers wit devins babee – she 2 yung 2 b havin a kid – wut!? you preggers 2!? well dat okay tho – i’ma go gurl – wipin our generation off da face of da earth would b a good place 2 start – lol


Dear Guy in the Affliction shirt,

I’m going to have quite a bit of downtime in the next couple of months and was hoping you could suggest some reading material. Fiction, non-fiction, heavy, light… I’m easy. Suggest away.

Yo Goodwin,

Why you askin’ about books, bro? Reading is some gay-ass shit. These are the only words you need to know how to read: “Affliction”, “Monster Energy Drink”, “Nacho Bombs”, “Rohypnol”, and the driving directions that come up when you Google “Planned Parenthood”. Enough of this gay-ass writin’ bullshit. My cell phone reminder tone is telling me it’s time to go plow some bitch. My existence peaks every time I squirt goo on or around an equally vapid female. I’m wasting the miracle of consciousness – WOOOOO!!!!


Dear Woman who watches those reality shows,

A colleague of mine keeps inviting me to get-togethers I simply have no desire to attend. Up to this point I’ve handled the situation as tactfully as possible, but my tolerance is wearing thin. How should I make my position clear while still sparing his feelings? Or should I even consider his feelings? Thank you in advance.

Dear Nicholas Goodwin,

Your problem reminds me of this time one of the housewives threw a bucket of chum on one of the other housewives. Hey… What was a bucket of chum even doing in that house? Are these shows staged? Is the ONE thing in my life which isn’t exclusively about me a poorly manufactured farce designed to appeal to the absolute worst attributes of womanhood? Whatever. Scratch that bitch’s eyes out, Chantrelle!


Well, thanks for all your sage wisdom, all you non-elites. Jesus Christ… I’d call you garbage but at least garbage is composed of things which once served a purpose and might even feed hobos and raccoons someday. You can get back to your literal and figurative troughs now.


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