Jacob (sigh) Previews this Summer’s Hollywood (ugh) Blockbusters (groan)

by Jacob Dyck

blockbusterUnbearable heat? Check. Insufferable children everywhere you go because school’s out? Check. Fat girls wearing shit fat girls simply shouldn’t wear? Check. Yep, summer is pretty fucking awful; but at least we can count on highly original, deeply emotional stories at the local multiplex to lift our spirits, right? Right? Tell that goddamn cricket to shut up.

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Answer an Expert

by Professor Nicholas Goodwin as told to Jacob Dyck

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We who are cursed with the status of “expert” have long been called upon to offer articulate words of advice to the masses who neither heed informed advice nor understand articulation. You’ve asked us to help you with jobs, schooling, relationships, child-rearing and all other aspects of life you intellectually helpless gravy/beer-chuggers can’t seem to navigate on your own. Well enough is enough. Why should I suffer the hell of solving all my own problems simply because I’m mentally capable? It is now my turn to seek guidance from the other half (half in this case means 99.99999%). Please answer my pleas for help below, you drooling clods.

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