As writer/comedians, we at LTB long for a way to be unique in this ever-expanding, vast sea of shit. But as total amateur idiots, we’re also not above hopping on the advice column bandwagon. Which probably doesn’t even exist. Anyway, we tried to get outside of the box with this thing, so for our experienced advisor, we went with the insane, hilarious, and extremely dangerous Harland Douglas – a homeless war vet who lives behind the warehouse where I work. In return for hot food and expired medicine, Harland has agreed to answer any questions that I pose to him.
These aren’t easy posts to write, so they’re going to be rare, as he’s a belligerently drunken sociopath who misses the taste of human blood the way I miss having a pretty girl’s foot in my mouth. So yes – he’s very difficult to work with. Basically, I scream the question to him and the actual advice gets dictated to me by Harland, yelling back from underneath his abandoned railroad car outside my office window.
So sit back and enjoy the sage advice of a man who once “ate an entire litter of puppies” just to prove it could be done. And if you need advice, just hit us up on Twitter with the hashtag #AskHarland or send an email to email@example.com, and we’ll put his years of expertise in combat savagery and human suffering to the test. And now, here’s a lovesick reader and her reply from Harland..
I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I’ve been having a really rough time. She’s great, but we’re strict vegans and I caught her eating fried chicken and chocolate pie! Should I even bother trying to forgive her?
So, what, I just give that person advice and you’ll type it into an internet? And then you’ll give me that nice dinner you brought? Ok then, buddy, let’s do this. I haven’t eaten in years..
Lost your woman….”Melissa”, is it? Strange name for a man. Strangest name I ever heard for a man was a fella I met in Ko-rea named Suk Soon. Made me uncomfortable even saying his name out loud, let alone shrieking it into the night sky from high above the quiet Korean village I was stalking. But you always shriek a man’s name as loud as you can right before you kill him. That’s basic courtesy, man. Weird name, but hoooo-WEE, could that boy play the drums! Toured with Wilson Pickett for a while after the war, I think. Anyways, when do I get that turkey dinner you promised? LIKE HELL I DIDN’T ANSWER IT!! Fine…
You say you broke up with a girl…but, you’re a…..girl? I don’t know nothin’ about that, but I sure as shit know I didn’t watch my brothers die bloody and ugly just so you could play all willy-nilly with the sex weapons God gave you! And you say you’re something called “strict vegans”? Well, sir – I’m not sure what a “vegan” is, but it just shot to the top of my “Fuckin’ Kill ‘Em All” list. Number one with a bullet, finally replacing the red-eyed demon from my visions that always tells me I’m stupid and worthless. Guy’s a real piece of work, man.
Here’s your damned advice: Stop being vegans and just be people. Stop labeling everything and just enjoy things. Stop wondering if you need to pee and just force yourself to pee, RIGHT NOW! Just do those six things and you’ll be the happiest vegan who has a girl’s name in your entire county. My beard still doesn’t smell like sonofabitchin’ turkey dinner!!