Posted in the Break Room by Shift Manager Chester Harrington as seen by Joel Decker
A situation has been brought to my attention and I’m going to need all to comply with the following; please, stop burning the goddamn popcorn. If this doesn’t stop, you will be terminated. I’m not singling anyone out, but whenever the goddamn popcorn is burnt the entire office smells like deep fried abortion.
It’s 2014. Gone are the days of excuses for burning the goddamn popcorn. Long gone. We live in a time where all you have to do is place a bag of un-popped corn in a magic box, press a couple of buttons, and you will be provided with all the buttery goodness you can shove in your pie hole in two to three minutes. If you can’t accomplish this task without making the entire office smell like 9/11 at noon, you probably don’t possess the mental capacity to be an effective part of our team. “Let’s just go ahead and hand this million dollar account over to someone who can’t master the mind numbing mechanics that is microwaving goddamn popcorn.”
Technology allows you to carry the internet in the palm of your hand. Everything you need is at your fingertips, yet making the entire office smell like Paul Walker’s car because microwaving goddamn popcorn is beyond your level of expertise, will no longer be tolerated.
In case you’re unclear on how to microwave popcorn, here’s a refresher-
- Put popcorn in microwave.
- Press same numbers you see on the popcorn package, on microwave.
- Press Start
- Don’t burn the goddamn popcorn
That’s four steps too long. If a stoned 16 year old at the movie theater can manage to use a popcorn maker without making the entire theater smell like a Great White show, then you should be able to accomplish the same. You have a college degree for god’s sake. The same goes for any item you bring from home. When ever you “nuke” your leftovers, we all think you must have made cat meat and hair casserole the night before because the entire office smells like someone slow roasted a wet dog covered in cheese.
So, again, if you burn the goddamn popcorn one more time, you’re through. Done. This company does not need someone whose incompetence in matters involving ineptitude is repeatedly exhibited through microwave popcorn mishaps which result in the office smelling like immolated monk.
This is your first and last warning.
Stop burning the goddamn popcorn.
Chester P. Harrington
Chester Harrington – Sr. Shift Manager, Gary’s Aquariums N’ More Supercenter