CLASSLESS: Uninspiring Final Moments

by Chad McNaughton

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Ronald Jenkins of Columbus, OH – 44yrs old: Dying from a case of full-blown bullet-in-the-stomach, Ronald had precious little time to make his last act on this Earth meaningful. Unfortunately, Ronald was a dirtbag and a criminal, and his death ended up being as pointless as his life. Because before bleeding out through the pulsating, crimson hole in his gut, Ronald managed one last, depraved act.

While crawling out of the darkened alley where he had attempted to purchase generic Cialis from a [ethnicity-related joke redacted] drug dealer, Ronald saw something unique: a lost toddler, wandering down the sidewalk, clearly crying for its mother. With his cell phone out to call an ambulance for himself (but knowing they’d never even try to get to his disgusting neighborhood), Ronald made an unusual decision: instead of calling someone to help the lost child, he realized that he was dying and decided then and there that the bastard who shot him wouldn’t take his life before he knew what it felt like to punch a toddler.

With every ounce of strength he could muster, he rose to his knees to meet the crying shit machine, face to face. A voice inside Ronald’s head tried to talk some sense into him, but as usual, he listened to the other voice  – the one telling him that this wobbly little ball of tears had absolutely no defense against a fast, solid right cross. The voice was right – once close enough to reach out its needy little arms for Ronald to pick it up and comfort it, he laid a devastating blow right across the little shit’s left cheek, instantly sending it spinning into a nearby pile of old french fries.

In the end, Ronald died a classless, philosophically-fulfilling death. And aside from the bullet in his stomach, he did it on his own terms, without remorse. So if you feel the need to imagine him being punished for all eternity due to your antiquated beliefs just to feel “better” about the little smile that crept across your tired brain when you read this, go right ahead. I mean..you’re wrong, obviously, but whatever gets you through the night, man.

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