Happy Presidents Day. I Guess.

by George Washington as told to Joel Decker


Happy Presidents Day, America. It has been quite some time since I’ve penned a missive with regards to the country I fathered. Though I ceased to exist in physical form in 1799, I’ve kept a watchful eye from the dimension you all will reside in once you too stop being “alive”. Life on Earth is nothing when compared to the postmortem utopia that is “Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson’s 4th Dimension Soul Receptacle/Waffle Shack”. Spoiler Alert! Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson is God’s real name. Also, the waffles are exquisite here. Exquisite.

Why are you just now hearing from me? I feel I’ve been silent for too long, but my heart has grown heavy these past centuries, seeing what an absolute farce you’ve made of America. Where to begin? First off, your constant bickering is reminiscent of school children quarreling over sweet filled meats, a delectable treat in my days on Earth. Your daily persecution of those born different from you is appalling. Whether a human has different skin, amounts of money, genitalia or ways of loving different than your own, you all sure like to provide yourselves with a false sense of self-confidence by way of treating others poorly. Stop it. That any one human feel superior to any other human is a travesty. I should know. I owned over 200 slaves. Twas quite the awkward conversation when I arrived at Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom Wilson’s dimension for he is of African descent. He made me toil in fields where I was regularly whipped for this is Uncle Kenny Boom-Boom’s version of Heaven too.

Second, the larger battles you wage with other humans over whose concocted deity is the mightiest is truly a farce. A war over gods is akin to warring over jack-a-lopes and unicorns, yet somehow more pathetic because no one has ever stopped eating pork or killed strangers because of a made up book written by those claiming to have heard directly from a jack-a-lope. It’s easy to say an imaginary anything told you do something for there is no way to prove one wrong when they label the voice in their head “God”.

Third, the office of President of the United States is nothing more than a figure head position. designed to shoulder the blame for the truly powerful among you. I designed it that way for one of my favorite past times was shirking responsibility. My goodness the things I did to avoid doing other things would make you take my face off your money and try to figure out a way to abolish my name from history books. I merely took money, championed the interests of those who truly mattered (rich, white, slave owning, gun toting, screamers) and just collected coins, son. Keep in mind, there wasn’t anything to do back then and that still was too much for me to handle. That being said, ease up on that Obama fellow. Seriously.

As I have the ability to see the future as all time is circular when you’re in a fourth dimension, so says my friend Rust. I can tell you this to put your addled minds at ease. No one is going to take your guns. The government doesn’t care who you are. The greatest joke was making you think you’re worthy of keeping tabs on or the government might take your bullet filled manhood. The thing most likely to destroy all of you isn’t going to come from bearded brown people from another country or the “gubment” but your vehement “protection” of a non-existent past. The “good ol’ days” never existed. Things will never be better for you than they are right now. You won’t realize it until it’s too late though. It doesn’t have to be that way. I know what’s going to happen to America. You’re on the fast track to failure. The kind of failure history studies a la The Romans. What are you to do? Treat other humans without prejudice, with the kindness you would expect from others. Tis as simple as that. If you want a better world, make it a better world. It really is that simple. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to go plow some broads and eat some waffles for the next 5 years. This place is great.

See you sooner than you realize!

– George “On Tha Dolla Bill” Washington


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