Least Popular Flower Cards

by Joel Decker and Louis Fowler

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Today 7 billion roses will be delivered in the United States, according to a study we just made up. Accompanying those flowers are sappy cards. Sappy flower cards are the original Twitter in you have to express how you feel in a small amount of space. We’ve compiled some of the worst cards to be delivered with flowers in the history of Valentine’s. Enjoy!

“To the Sexiest Daughter a Man Could Ask For”

“To The Woman I Accidentally Got Pregnant”

“To The Woman I’m Afraid to Lose Because I Want To Keep All My Stuff”

“I Wish You Were As Hot As Your Mom”

“True Love is Not Pressing Charges.”

“Tonight’s the Night You Become My Dirty Piss-Hog, Valentine!”

“Be Mine. Or Die. Seriously”

“To The Woman I’m Afraid to Lose Because I Want To Keep All My Stuff”

“Just Because We Can Doesn’t Mean We Will Get Married”

“I’m Only Paying for Half The Abortion”

“Because Your Sister Said No, Here’s Some Flowers For You I Guess”

“Next Time I’ll Just Give You $120 For A Blow Job and Keep The Florist Out of It”

“Thanks For a Lifetime of Monotony”

“Here’s Some Things That, Hopefully, Like You, Will Be Dead in Three Days”

“No Means Yes On Valentine’s Day.”

“These Flowers Are A One Way Ticket To Bonesville”

“These Roses Are Made of Aspirin so Chow Down Because Headache or Not We’re Banging When You Get Home”

“Is This Enough To Make Those Bitches You Work With Jealous?”

“I Would Have Also Bought You Chocolate, But Let’s Be Honest, You Don’t Need It.”

“Tell Your Teacher These Are From Your “Uncle”

“Divorce?”

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