From Helen in Payroll as told to Joel Decker
To: All Employees
Subject: Valentine’s Day!
Sent: Fri February 14, 2014 07:59 AM
Helen here! Your favorite payroll representative! Just wanted to send this e-mail to everyone to wish them a happy Valentine’s Day! Also, make sure to have your payroll e-mails to me by end of day so we can make sure you get your checks on Monday!
I went ahead and included a picture of the calendar all of you comment on when you visit my cubicle. That fireman’s name is Enrique. He’s a hero I wouldn’t mind saving me! Am I right, ladies and Kenny? I am! I’d set my efficiency apartment on fire just so he could save me. Then again three burnt apartments in five years is probably too many. Helen doesn’t need that! Not again!
I’ve noticed a lot of people get flowers and gifts delivered to them on Valentine’s Day. I’ve yet to receive a gift on Valentine’s Day. I don’t need gifts or flowers though. As the posters and Precious Moments statuettes at my cubicle say, “Everyday is a gift from God!” so you can enjoy your flowers but every day is like a dozen flowers for Helen from God! The same goes for the pound of chocolate I eat everyday! I’d set my apartment on fire so Russell Stover could save me!
I’ll be working late tonight finishing payroll while all of you are celebrating Valentine’s. Thankfully I’m not doing anything. Once I’m done with payroll I’ll be heading back to my apartment where me and my sweet tabby cats Edward (Team Edward Forever!) and Hermione and I will watch some Netflix. Some people on Facebook are talking about “Card House” with Kevin Spacey. He’s dreamy and stars in my 7th favorite movie, K-Pax! I’d burn my apartment down so he could save me!
So have fun tonight and know that Helen is having a fine time. I know some of the single girls in the office are having a “Gal’s Night Out” at “Chili’s”. I’m sure I wasn’t invited because I’m different. I’m not as pretty as a lot of ladies. I’m not as interested in the same things a lot of people are. I can’t afford newer clothes because most all of my money helps take care of my sick mom. I probably talk about my cat babies too much. It’s ok though because I like myself. I’m not perfect but I’m getting there. Just like my bumper sticker says! If you can’t appreciate who you are, imperfections and all, you can’t expect others to appreciate you! Like my tattoo with a dolphin says!
So have a happy Valentine’s Day and remember to get me those payroll e-mails! I’ll be spending the weekend with my cat babies, Netflix and my Dean Cain Facebook Fan Page. I’d burn my apartment down so he could save me!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
– Helen Portschwaller