by The Athlete You Didn’t Know Existed Until Now and Won’t Care Existed In Two Weeks as told to Joel Decker
Hey, America! I’m your new favorite athlete. Sure, you didn’t know I existed until I did that thing you didn’t know I could do, but you love me now!
I have a heartwarming tale involving the sacrifices my parents made so I could pursue my dream of doing a thing you’ve heard of. My mom/dad worked so hard to take me to and from practice for that thing I’m good at. You’ll see pictures of me as a child with the equipment one uses for the thing I do. You’ll hear all about how my mother or father knew at such a young age I was different. Sure, every parent on Earth thinks that about their kid, but I was different!
Things were going along smoothly as I ascended the ranks of whatever sport it is I’m good at. Then, out of nowhere, “tragedy” strikes. The loss of my biggest supporter due to a tragic car accident or health issue was a huge setback. I began to suffer personally and it effects my performance doing the thing I do.
After a couple of failures my winning spirit drives me past my grief over the tragic thing and I end up using my own personal battle as motivation. Before long I’m back on track. Then I suffered what some might consider a career ending injury at some point during my attempt to be the best in the world but my American tenacity brought me to the Olympics because I wasn’t going to let tragedy define me!
I made it to the Olympics! I’ve won medals and everyone is talking about me! I’m so great. How I’m able to accomplish amazing things keeps the world watching my every move! I’ll be on talk shows and show up on SNL with all my medals! Then…*poof*…you’ll forget about me.
Sure, I’ll pop up down the road here and again pitching Subway sandwiches or show up on Best Week Ever. As time passes I’ll commentate for events I was once good at. You’ll forget all about me until I stop dating the celebrity I was dating or until I decide to make a “comeback” in Pyeongchang in 2020.
Just how it works I guess.