by Jacob Dyck
Valentine’s Day is only a few days away, so if you act fast you should be able to find someone to go through the motions with before it arrives. In order to find that “special” someone I suppose you’ll feel inclined to dust off reliable old pick-up lines like “Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only 10 I see.” or “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.” Yes, those are empty words anyone with a functioning larynx can sound out when they feel the urge to make their parts squirt, but no emptier than “I do” and people fall for that shit all the time.
However, as effective as those old pick-up lines are, I figure we are long overdue for some new ones. And since our mission here at LTB is getting people to mash wet organs together to delude themselves into thinking they are experiencing a spiritual connection rather than engaging in an act that monkeys and pigs engage in, I wish to present you with the following list of brand new pick-up lines. Read them, put them to use, and then go buy your hook-up some earrings that look like glasses because she advertises herself as a “nerd”. Or buy her a stuffed snake because she’s really into snakes. Isn’t that quirky? They’re all so goddamn special, just like snowflakes. In the sense that they may look unique under a microscope, but if you stand back and look at a field of them, it doesn’t really matter which one your sperm lands on. Read away, all you romantics!
Are you my co-workers? Because 40 hours a week around you is going to be about 35 too many.
Are you the break-room TV without an available remote? Cause I want to be forced to watch soul- and mind-numbing programming thanks to you.
Girl, I’m gonna call you “Tosh.0”, because I will get tired of you after one season.
Are you a 6-year-old I’m babysitting? Because I’ll buy you what-the-fuck-ever just to get a moment’s peace.
Baby, people are going to call us “Harlem car accident”, because our engagement will result in a black child losing an arm.
Are you sex? Because I refuse to accept that you’ve gotten boring and will resort to pills to make you seem tolerable instead of pursuing other interests.
Hey sweet thing… Go ahead and roll those pretty eyes. I want to see what the rest of my life is going to look like.
Honey, you’re like my extremely conservative family – I’m never going to be myself around you.
Are you a street sign or a canoe? Because seeing you in a chain restaurant is supposed to cheer me up, but it just makes me so, so sad.
Are you my older brother or my college roommate? Because your friends are going to really make me hate life.