“Coke Just Took a Dump On America. Your America!”

by Pepsi as told to Joel Decker

PEPSI_H1_4C [Converted]

If you’re anything like the God fearing patriots who make Pepsi are, you were outraged by the recent Super Bowl commercial for Coca-Cola featuring “America the Beautiful” sung in many languages other than English. It is a travesty of the worst kind to have such an integral part of America’s culture disrespected in such an offensive and blatant manner by a company so many hold dear.

For so long Coca-Cola has been “America’s Drink” but there is a lot about Coca-Cola you don’t know. For instance, the CEO of Coca-Cola is Muhtar Kent, a Turkish man. You don’t need some foreigner telling you what to drink. You’re American! Sure, Muhtar was born in New York City but he went to college in Turkey. If Coca-Cola’s latest commercial is any indication, it seems he got his degree in “Hating America”. Yes, the CEO for Pepsi is an Indian woman named Indra Nooyi but that just shows we at Pepsi were forced to bow down to the liberal agenda and put a woman not born in America in charge. A woman. An Indian woman. See how far this liberal Coca-Cola agenda has gotten?

Also, Coca-Cola is not consumed by more Americans than anywhere else in the world. People who drink the most Coca-Cola are in Mexico. That’s right. They took your drink. Why is Coca-Cola sending so much of their product to Mexicans? What’s wrong with Americans? Nothing.

We here at Pepsi believe in American ideals. We know you are tired of the left wing propaganda machine shoving things in your face you don’t need to see. A Pepsi can is red, white, and blue because we’re not ashamed of being American like the folks at Coca-Cola seem to be. This is why we believe the best way to show Coca-Cola how wrong they were is to buy as many Pepsi products as possible. That’ll show those bleeding heart liberals over at Coke!

A lot of people within our own company said, “Maybe if your political views can waiver over a one minute long commercial featuring people singing in an attempt to sell sugar water, the problem isn’t the commercial.” or “America the beautiful was written by a lesbian. Do people know that?” or “It’s a beautiful commercial that shows not only the diverse background of our great nation but also how the rest of the world aspires to emulate our greatness and foundation of acceptance of people of all ethnic backgrounds, faiths and sexual orientations.” Well, we fired all of those people. They can take their liberal, America hating ways to MSNBC. Have fun drinking a Diet Coke with Rachael Maddow!

So the next time you want a brand that isn’t afraid to let you be the American you are proud to be, pick up a Pepsi. Remember, Pepsi stands for Patriotic Everyday People Stopping Ignorance. The ignorance of using other languages. This is America. Speak the language we got from the British. The ignorance of letting people you’ll never meet marry because it doesn’t effect you at all in any way. The ignorance God wants love for every person. The ignorance guns are harmful and should be regulated. The ignorance America should be a melting pot as the forefathers believed. The ignorance America isn’t the greatest country in the world, but it can be. The ignorance of rational thought.

Pick up a Pepsi. It’s what those liberals over at Coca-Cola would hate more than anything. Show Obama who the real boss is. Buy a Pepsi. This is America. Buy a Pepsi.

 – Pepsi

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