by Dr. Rutherford Benson III Certified Appraiser for Antiques Roadshow as told to Joel Decker
Well, here I am again in “beautiful” Phoenix, Arizona waiting on the parade of the clueless and obese as they traipse their “treasures” in, of which 99% will be worth zero dollars yet cost me minutes of my life. I sit here waiting to see the delusional hillbillies as they bring forth a red wagon full of their grandfather’s collection of decade old whiskey bottles, numerous VHS copies of Top Gun and “Big Johnson” t-shirts. How clever.
Little Tiny Brain’s resident tall person, Spencer Hicks wrote and appeared in this Joe Cappa directed short masterpiece. The film also stars honorary Little Tiny Brainer Matthew Alvin Brown, who is way more talented than all of Little Tiny Brain combined.
If you’re reading this then there’s a pretty good chance you’ve at least met me in person. It’s just demographics; I get it. Then you also know that when it comes to our physical bodies, I’m no longer working with a well-kept, precision machine. As a matter of fact, my body has become a monument to our accelerated aging, poor decisions, and a bloodthirsty lust for high-impact, adrenaline-fueled mayhem. So why would I choose to stay in it all the time? Well guess what [dramatic close up] – I don’t! Why, just last week I left my body for an entire afternoon so I could attend a clash between two of the greatest chuckers of dead pig flesh in the history of the NFL, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Wanna hear about it?
Out first ever “Useless Noon Poll” was met with rousing success! 100% of the votes went to a sack of hammers over Justin Bieber. We should probably let you know there were only three votes and that was just me from three different computers. Is that because I hate Justin Bieber or love hammers? Who cares?
Modern America prides itself in ignorance and comfort to such an absurd degree I can scarcely remember a time when we aspired to discovery and understanding. Not that I blame modern Americans. I mean, why devote a few minutes of your time to reading an article about the Higgs boson when you could be guffawing at the antics of people pretending to be your intellectual peers on A&E while shoveling cheese-stuffed pig babies in your face?
So how did we sink into this pit of shame? I mean, other than voluntarily, eagerly and selfishly? There are many contributing factors (including corporations, politicians and all the wrong people having kids), but I prefer to allow Jeff Foxworthy to shoulder the blame. For those of you who may not remember, Jeff Foxworthy was the white person equivalent of Al Jolson in blackface who rose to fame (on the backs and wallets of people who weren’t in on the cosmic joke) with his trademark “You might be a redneck…” jokes.