by Spencer Hicks
It’s like my dad always said, “In utero, no one can hear you scream.” Did I mention my dad was an abortion doctor? It’s true, he went to abortion school and got his doctorate. He learned that “screaming” tidbit, day one.
Sorry, I’m a liar. But my wife is pregnant and we are expecting a son. I’m excited about it, and also scared shitless.
A lot happens in the time leading up to the birth of your first child, and I would like to give the non-parents a heads-up of what to expect.
Pregnancy Progression Pics
Thanks to Instagram, your wife will post a weekly picture of herself as the baby grows. Have you ever watched a .gif of someone who takes a weekly picture of themselves as they go through a new exercise routine? It’s the opposite of that. You can watch the love of your life’s body get destroyed by a child you will love unconditionally. All the CrossFit in the world won’t fix that.
Baby Shower Shopping
Registering for gifts before our wedding sucked, and I was shopping for awesome things for myself. Shopping for things for a baby is brutal. As I followed my wife around Babies-R-Us, I wondered how the human race survived without Diaper Genie’s and $400 strollers. I’m not exaggerating when I say this, but the crib and stroller are worth more than my 15-year old truck. My truck has an engine. The stroller has no engine. Also, an adult human will fit in my truck. Crib & stroller? One year of human holding capabilities. Tops. The baby product industry is taking advantage of parents.
There are nearly 7-billion people on this planet, but somehow all pregnant women think they are the first and only people to ever have a child. I think this might be a product of our generation, hell, the Baby Boomers were popping out kids like Pez because their country needed cannon fodder. Now, we are having kids for the tax breaks and to get more “likes” on Facebook. Seriously, next time you’re around a pregnant woman, listen to her steer the conversation to her pregnancy. It’s amazing. Billions upon billions of people have given birth. If I talked about how great sandwiches are all the time, no one would want to hang out with me because everyone has had a sandwich. It’s boring
Also, why hasn’t The Learning Channel made a show in the vein of “Bridezilla’s” except they just follow around a shallow pregnant lady for 9 months? I welcome the Apocalypse.
Babies are expensive
You have to go to the doctor every month, even with insurance we pay $200 a visit. Then we will pay some more money when the baby is delivered. Then we will continue shoveling money at the “gift from God”, until my wife and I die in a nursing home after suffering years of sexual abuse at the hand of “nurses.” It’s hard to hear over the ringing of the cash registers, but every time you write a check to your doctor you can hear the death rattle of one of your dreams.
This was written in jest. I’m excited about the new addition to our family and sure I won’t have any of these worries when my child is in his teens and hates me.
You can follow Spencer on Twitter: @SpencerLenox