Are You Ready for Some Commercial-Delivery-System Marketed as a Timeless-Battle-of-Modern-Day-Gladiators by Executives Who Know You’ll Eagerly Swallow Their Market-Researched, Over-hyped Bullshit?!!

by Jacob Dyck

11753583-largeI fell out of love with sports (and life in general) shortly after high school. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal (the same way I understand why cats chase laser pointers), but watching chemically enhanced dickheads/felons engage in a struggle to see who can move a small piece of leather across a grass rectangle doesn’t fascinate me the way it did when I thought Gilligan’s Island was a good show.

So why did I lose interest in sports? Well, aside from becoming interested in more cerebral matters (like making fun of Saved by the Bell and throwing expired bacon at fat people), I’ve also been increasingly put off by the behavior of athletes. Now, I realize all people would be exposed as assholes if they were scrutinized 24/7, but with athletes, their dickish behavior can be clearly observed while they are doing the thing you love.

“But what about actors and comedians? You love movies and TV shows and yet celebrities are constantly behaving like obnoxious twats”, responds the guy who feels the need to defend walking piles of rape. True, as someone who can tell you who the male lead was in the Underworld movies I probably (certainly) know too much about pop culture, but I try to limit my interest in these people to the work they produce; an area where they definitely don’t behave as shabbily as athletes. I’d bet you $1000 Philip Seymour Hoffman and Louis C.K. are insufferable douchebags a lot of the time, but I rarely see them shout “WOO!” to the heavens while flexing in the middle of an adequate line reading.

Yeah, it was a nice tackle, 24-year-old guy who gets paid an offensive amount of money to tackle, but tackling is in your fucking job description. If a dragon wanders on field mid-game and you rip out its heart feel free to do cartwheels, line up all the cheerleader vaginas and jam your dick in their lubed holes to your heart’s content; but until then, make a tackle or run the ball and get back on the goddamn line, you chode. And while you’re at it, maybe don’t complain about every call and non-call that doesn’t go your way. You can move a bus with your neck muscles, for god’s sake; don’t whine like a bitch because a pinkie grazed your hip and you didn’t make the catch.

Now that I think about it, maybe this is why we love them. Just as decent women are attracted to assholes and decent men are attracted to bitches, perhaps decent sports fans are attracted to the most brutish, grandstanding pricks out there. Lord knows if I had to choose between the guy who makes the play and hustles back to the huddle or the guy who sort of, kind of helped make a tackle before pointing at his crotch and shouting “SUCK – THIS – DOOOONG!” I’m going to go with the guy who lets you know he’s out there every time.

So to all you people who make valuable contributions to society, take a note from the noble football man. Did you just make solar power more economically viable? Beat your chest King Kong-style while shouting “CARL FELDMAN OWNS YOUR ASS!” and we will gladly heap praise upon you. Have you developed more effective cancer fighting drugs? High five everyone on your medical research team, then run past the opposing medical research team while doing the ‘throat-slash’ gesture and we’ll all buy the lab coat with your number on it.

Bottom line: Everyone loves an asshole, so you just remain mediocre you and whip out the histrionics in an embarrassing attempt to convince us of your value. Even if you don’t trick the rest of us, you just might delude yourself. Who rocked this article? JACOB rocked this article! [points at god, then at you] Can’t nobody else write an article like this! YALL – CAN’T – TOUCH – MEEEEEEEEEEE!

Thanks for reading.


One thought on “Are You Ready for Some Commercial-Delivery-System Marketed as a Timeless-Battle-of-Modern-Day-Gladiators by Executives Who Know You’ll Eagerly Swallow Their Market-Researched, Over-hyped Bullshit?!!

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