Good morning, rubes. I hope your Sunday night was peaceful and restorative, giving you the get up and go you’ll need to tackle another week in our brutally-horrific reality. But if you’re like most of the damn country, you got no peace because you watched every single second of the 2014 Grammy Awards® ceremony. Well, good for you. Now you know who Macklemore is (fun fact: he’s actually the lovechild of tank top model Vin Diesel and the late thespian, Paul Walker) and your stupid kids finally understand the genius of Ringo Starr. Yeehaw. That’s not how Little Tiny Brain lives, folks.
So while you were all mesmerized by various Taylor Swift guffaws and formerly-cool black dudes wearing hats they found on someone’s sleeping Canadian grandpa, we were doing work. That’s right – we were smart enough to pull simultaneous burglary heists on five separate “celebrities” while they attended the Grammys. Here’s a break down of the results, listed by celebrity..
Bruno Mars – An obvious target for sure, but hey – an easy mark is an easy mark. We’ve got mouths to pay, and there’s a “Demi-crat” in the White House! Also, for fiction’s sake, all these burglaries happened in a totally feasible location, in close proximity to one another. Anyway, so we head over to Bruno’s place. It took a good twenty minutes of convincing to get me to believe that Bruno Mars was the guy in the picture Joel was showing us. After some videos, I was convinced. Once we got to his house, I was just confused again. Here’s what we
- LOTS of awards – Pretty sure his dad owned a trophy shop. And maybe a fedora plant in the Philippines? What a weird closet.
- Autographed copies of every book Dr. Phil has every written – Each one signed to “Brenda”. Whatever – signed books, yo!
- Musical instruments – 3 electric guitars, one keyboard, two laptops, and one oddly-soft acoustic guitar, which had a “second” soundhole lovingly carved into the back of the instrument, where it rests against the torso or pelvis. Firmly.
- ZERO socks – That’s right – we didn’t find a single sock in his entire house.
Yoko Ono – Well, well, well…look who left the front door open! I guess that’s a door – it was just a round opening with the word “Fear” spelled out in smoke in the middle of it. It was a neat trick, but it’s not keeping out a determined, art-hating group of thieves like LTB. Anyway, we didn’t take anything from Yoko’s house – we just burned it to the fucking ground.
Jared Leto – Jared recently turned in an apparently amazing performance in a movie we haven’t seen, which makes it okay to rob him blind. At first glance, I thought we were entering some weird, hipster dive bar. But then Spence said “No, it used to be an industrial building, but he refurbished the whole thing.” Here’s what we took before we burned it to the ground:
- Everything “Fight Club”-related – Everything. We even took his original script, which he clearly still masturbates onto. But now some lucky eBay user can too! Celebrities…they really are just like us.
LL Cool J – Look, this is Chad talking, and I have a confession: I’m a big LL Cool J fan, all the way back to the “Parents Just Don’t Understand” era. I think he’s great. As an actor, too. Have you seen “Are We There Yet?”?? So great. Anyway, here’s some things we expected to find at LL’s place…and some things we didn’t..
- HATS – Oh my god, man..the fucking hats!! He’s got what can only be called a mother-in-law apartment for his hat collection. Unbelievable. How rich do you have to be to have an apartment for your hats? I bet at least two of those hats have to file a tax return this year.
- Hyperbaric chamber – that we couldn’t lift, or it would be in my living room right now. What a conversation starter! “Hey, girl…you wanna do it in the oxygen coffin that was keeping LL Cool J alive?”
- Bathtub full of steroids – that’s not a joke. It was a giant whirlpool tub, just full of pills and tablets and syringes, all bursting with bicep-blasting anabolic miracle juice. Also, not a single Rogaine in the entire tub. You go, girl!
- Hip-Hop Illuminati Ceremonial Altar – I mean, I kind of always assumed, but damn. Right there on the first floor, too. Pretty badass altar, to be honest. Scared Joel so bad he stopped shitting his pants. Hell, I’ll call that progress. I’ll even tell Dr. Rosenberg about it at group this week. That’s a big step, buddy!
Taylor Swift – When BradChad and Jacob finally finished their fistfight over who we’d hit last – Miley “Tons of Fun” Cyrus or her evil colleague, Taylor “Mouth Open” Swift – we made our way to Taylor’s house, full speed ahead. I won’t say who won the fight, but I’ll say this: It was hilarious. Here’s what we took from Taylor’s ridiculously-boring-yet-nice-to-look-at house:
- Seven different, updated versions of Songwriting for Dummies – THEY WERE ALL SIGNED BY HER PARENTS!! HAHAHA!!!
- Most of her clothes – they seemed fancy to us, and we also know a certain Japanese business man who will pay us dozens of Yen for girls’ clothing, whether they’ve been soiled by an untalented famous person or not.
- Two dozen long, blonde wigs – Taylor is as bald as grandma’s butthole, and apparently has been since turning 30 a few years ago. Oh yeah – she’s also really old. She had VHS tapes labeled “‘Friends’ – DON’T ERASE, MOM!!!! XOXOXO!! ;)” for crap’s sake.
- All her birth control – flushed it all, right before we burned her house to the fucking ground.
Congratulations to all this year’s winners!