by Jacob Dyck
Modern America prides itself in ignorance and comfort to such an absurd degree I can scarcely remember a time when we aspired to discovery and understanding. Not that I blame modern Americans. I mean, why devote a few minutes of your time to reading an article about the Higgs boson when you could be guffawing at the antics of people pretending to be your intellectual peers on A&E while shoveling cheese-stuffed pig babies in your face?
So how did we sink into this pit of shame? I mean, other than voluntarily, eagerly and selfishly? There are many contributing factors (including corporations, politicians and all the wrong people having kids), but I prefer to allow Jeff Foxworthy to shoulder the blame. For those of you who may not remember, Jeff Foxworthy was the white person equivalent of Al Jolson in blackface who rose to fame (on the backs and wallets of people who weren’t in on the cosmic joke) with his trademark “You might be a redneck…” jokes.
We haven’t heard much from Foxworthy lately (at least I haven’t, because after I turned 14 I discovered anything else), so on behalf of Little Tiny Brain I decided to drop him a line and asked him if he’d be kind enough to provide us with a batch of “You might might be a redneck…” jokes. He kindly told me to go fuck my mother right before giving me the following batch of “You might be a Jeff Foxworthy…” jokes. Read the completely not dated material below and enjoy.
- If you run a freshly sharpened knife across your chest because you want to feel something, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you are slowly choking to death on the regret that materialized as a result of being an instrumental part of America’s cultural decay, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy
- If the Ghosts of Comedy Past, Present and Future visit you on a daily basis and just will not let up about Larry the Cable Guy, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you recently escalated to needle drugs because Wild Turkey was no longer keeping the gun out of your mouth, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you pay women to let you plow them while they shout “Who’s daddy’s dirty little redneck!”, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you ever felt contempt for a group of 8-10,000 people every single day for a 10-year stretch, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you use your fame to lure die-hard fans to your home so you can hunt them for sport and masturbate to their drawn out demise, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you have long since abandoned childish notions about a god who cares for us or even acknowledges our existence, you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you have smuggled so many severely battered women back into Mexico the border guards actually have a nickname for you (Diablo con el pelo rojo), you might be a Jeff Foxworthy.
- If you recently had these words tattooed across your belly – “You and everyone you appeal to is a cancer on society. If you had an ounce of respect for humanity you would donate your ill-gotten gains to charity and kill yourself, but at this point in your life justice will be better served if you endure the torture of knowing what you’ve done can’t be undone and you go down with the sinking ship currently referred to as ‘mankind’.” – you might just be a Jeff Foxworthy.