by Corey Knowlton as told to Joel Decker
Hello. My name is Corey Knowlton and you might know me from my appearances on Jim Shockey’s The Professionals. Maybe you or a friend have been on one of the many organized hunts I’ve planned for people. Probably not though. You probably only know me as the guy who won an auction that lets me kill a black rhino. Sounds bad, right? Before you jump to any conclusions, hear me out.
I’m not an evil person. I’m just a rich white dude from Texas who thinks throwing down $350,000.00 for the chance to kill something is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Is it evil to spend money I could’ve used to build someone a house or pay someone’s medical bills or any myriad of worthwhile endeavors? No. It’s not evil because I say it’s not evil. And yes, that makes perfect sense because, maybe you forgot, but I’m a rich white dude who makes his money from leading other rich white dudes on trips to go kill things. Rich white dudes call the shots around here. This is America.
Besides, I make more money than you. Way more. How much more? Enough to throw down $350,000.00 on an auction that lets me kill an endangered animal. You remember how happy you were when you got that bonus at Christmas time of a couple hundred bucks and decided to splurge on that Keurig single serving coffee maker? Well, that’s what killing a black rhino is for me. Shooting an endangered animal in the face is my Keurig.
Now I know I’ve come out and said I did it because the money I spent is going to help conservation efforts and maybe that’s true. I didn’t check. If I really cared about conservation I would have just donated the money to the effort without having to get something in return. In reality I just want to know what it feels like to kill a rhino. I’ve killed many animals in my day but the murder boner I’ve got raging for a rhino is inexplicable. I’ve experienced this sensation before but to know I’ll actually be able to murder a great rhino is glorious. I mean, yeah, I’ve got a murder boner, but it’s super tiny. I don’t champion guns and hunting because I’m hung like a mule. That’s for sure.
The only downside is I feel I can’t walk down the street without someone ambushing me and calling me names. Just minding my own business and out of nowhere some douche bag screams at me. I can’t just go get some food without wondering who’s watching. I have to always be aware of my surroundings now. I don’t sleep well because I don’t know if someone is waiting to harm me or my family when I leave the house. I’m always on alert now. Everywhere I go, everything I do it feels like I’m being watched. Never a moment of peace. It certainly is an awful way to exist and I wouldn’t wish it on any creature. Well, except for the black rhino.
I also won’t be able to bring home any of the meat because of the American laws banning import of endangered animal products. I bet a freezer full of ground up rhino meat would have been delicious. But, because the black rhino is endangered, I can’t. I’ll have to just tell my kids how a raw rhino heart tastes. Typical liberal bullshit. What’s that? President Nixon signed that into law? Huh. Guess that makes Watergate the second most shameful thing he did.
In summation, even if I decide to not go through with killing this animal, someone else will. Or something else will. I’ll just continue to kill animals for sport here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. See, it’s not like the public outcry has done anything other than provide publicity for my company and my TV show. Thanks. I promise you the rhino doesn’t care either way. So be angry with me if you want. Leave my family out of it, please, but be angry. It just makes me more money whether or not I kill that rhino.