by Jacob Dyck
Hello again, science enthusiasts. It’s your good friend Dr. Science-man, here to remind you it’s science fair season. I think. I don’t know if it’s science fair season or if such a season even exists, but Dr. Science-man had a bit of downtime and felt he needed to turn his attention to producing a meaningless article so his knives would stop talking to him.
Whether or not it’s science fair season, sparking a child’s passion for science is always a good thing. But why should the boundless wonder and knowledge provided by scientific pursuit be confined to the minds of the open-minded and the curious? With that sentiment in mind, here are some children’s science fair experiments which won’t conflict with your family’s Christian “principles”.
- The Christian Volcano – So your little Christian soldier can’t conduct the standard volcano experiment because handling vinegar is a sin for some fucking reason? Just pour in one part holy water and two parts blood of a gay guy and stand back!
- Pray an egg into a bottle – The godless heathens in your son or daughter’s class would conduct this basic experiment by dropping a burning piece of paper into a bottle, placing a boiled egg on the opening, allowing a vacuum to be created and waiting for the egg to be sucked in. None of that for your god-fearing offspring. Billy or Susie can simply place an egg next to a bottle, make a simple request to god and voila! Will it work? Well of course not, but you’re an adult and it doesn’t stop you.
- Disprove evolution – This experiment is so simple even the most obstinate, chimp-brained assholes on the planet can do it. Step 1: Put all of mankind’s accumulated knowledge regarding evolution in a pile. Step 2: Go out in a pasture. Step 3: Collect a substantial amount of bullshit. Step 4: Return to the pile of knowledge. Step 5: Empty bag of bullshit onto pile of knowledge. Experiment complete. Now you’re really doing science!
- Grow a bean plant – Fill a pot with soil, using your finger make a hole 2-3 inches deep, drop in a bean and cover with soil. Make sure it gets plenty of sun and water it every day. When the science fair judge comes to your table and says some fancy college shit like “Can you explain the process to me by which this plant grew?” you simply respond “You know… God ‘n shit.”
- Find out who’s giving it to Dr. Science-man’s ex-wife – Dr. Science-man can’t be seen within 500 yds. of a certain address, otherwise I’d conduct this experiment myself. This experiment consists of you standing outside a certain door and seeing if you can make out a specific male name. You’ll likely hear shouts of “Oh Julie! Oh Julie!”, but see which name gets shouted back. It definitely won’t be “Dr. Science-man!”, but see if you can hear an “Eric!” or “Randall!” being screamed. Or even “Alonzo!” or “Davontre!” The former Mrs. Dr. Science-man is not a picky woman. Unless you happen to be keeping her clothed, sheltered and fed. “I made solar power cheaper and more effective today. What did you do, dear? Got twelve inches of cock jammed in you? Sounds great. Now why don’t you yell at me as if YOU are on the moral high ground, you heartless shrew!!! I would wish cancer on you if I weren’t afraid you’d give the cancer a bad case of Julie. It’s been real; good luck collecting $5k a month from a corpse, you Nazi cunt!”
- Drop Mentos in Diet Coke – This will prove women are inferior, homosexuality is a choice, every species and subspecies on the planet can survive forty days on the same vessel, and god will ultimately judge all of us but he wants you to do a lot of that anyway. Most importantly, it will prove you should indulge in all the comforts of scientific advancement while denying the information undermining the beliefs which provide you with a feeling of moral superiority and that you will be rewarded for a life of quiet desperation and spiritual if not outright hypocrisy.
Thanks for reading, sciencers. If I can manage to keep the demons at bay, I’ll see you next time.