Little Tiny Brain Obituaries

by Jacob Dyck & Joel Decker

The_Professor_(Gilligan's_Island)

The guy who played the Professor on ‘Gilligan’s Island’ died yesterday. He also appeared in the Sci-Fi classics ‘This Island Earth’ and ‘It Came from Outer Space’, but I prefer to remember him in his proudest hour. As deeply saddened as I and the other members of the Gilligang are by this loss, life moves on. But it doesn’t move on without me being reminded of my own impending demise. Did you know non-famous people die all the time? It’s true, swear to god. Below are just a few of the losers who had the audacity to die without being the guy who made coconut radios to amuse slack-jawed sentience-wasters. Read these LTB obits and laugh at the funniest joke of all: Mortality!


Claire Tarson (1932 – 2014): Devoted wife and mother of two, Claire was a nurse for 37 years and did volunteer work all the way up to the time of her death last week. You know what she didn’t do while volunteering? She never said “Where’s the beef?” What was the point of it all, Claire? What was the fucking point?

Jeffrey Linders (1975 – 2014): Jeffrey Linders led a blessed life, but he was never one to indulge in all the comfort afforded to him. He earned numerous honors while serving in the US Army and got right to work as a firefighter when he returned to his home in Maryland. Pretty pathetic, right? I guess he couldn’t muster up enough courage to be a black child who didn’t grow to an adult height. If the fire hadn’t killed him, irrelevance surely would have.

Imogene Howard (1943-2014): Imogene spent 25 years as founding director of the “Compassionate Soul” AIDS hospice in Chicago where she focused on patients with no friends or loved ones during their final days. She was the last person to be with every patient as they passed. She also fought for civil rights in the 1960’s along side Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. She told co-workers she never had time for a family of her own because she was too busy helping those in need but she considered everyone she met her “family”. Unfortunately she never got plowed by Ray J in a sex tape and didn’t spawn the little bundle of shallow ego that is Kanye West’s child, so who really gives a shit?

Lance Corporal James A. Pennington (1990-2014): Lance Corporal Pennington died while on patrol in Baghdad. He is survived by his wife Jennifer and unborn twin sons. Too bad he never acted like a hillbilly slut on the MTV Video Music Awards, then his story might matter. Better luck next life!

Mei Yeong (1987-2014): Mei took her own life yesterday after spending the last 24 years working at a factory in the Jiangsu Province of China. She spent 20 hours a day making various plastic items sold at American businesses. She probably committed suicide because she didn’t have the sense to be born American.

This Bit (5 Minutes Ago 2014-Just Now 2014): This piece served to examine how little we value lives we’re unaware of and how much emphasis we put on celebrity. This was an attempt to make you take pause and exercise the compassion innate in the human animal. Be nice to a stranger. It could change their life and will make your life better. Or you could just ignore everything and head on over to You Tube to watch a cat do a thing, Buzzfeed to read some bullshit list, or Facebook to post a picture of some food.

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