Every Response to Every Argument Against Gay Marriage You’ll Ever Need

by Joel Decker

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There’s a lot about Oklahoma in the news today which thankfully involves something other than college football or my hometown getting obliterated by a tornado. A federal judge on Tuesday ruled banning gay marriage is unconstitutional in the state of Oklahoma. (Yes, humans of the future, this is a thing we once argued about as a society well before the attack Earth suffered at the scaly clawed hands of Supreme Lord Thaddeus P. Planetcrusher and the vanguard of invading armies from planet X-113B. Sorry about that. Maybe had we not been preoccupied with making sure people we’ll never meet get denied rights for no good reason whatsoever, you wouldn’t be toiling as abused slaves after the global takeover by evil aliens. Thank god tainted Taco Bell meat wiped most of us out before the alien enslavement of Earth in 2016.)

Every civil rights advancement triggers some among us to be quite vocal with their ignorance soaked stance on things. Most of these arguments are verbal regurgitation of a misinterpretation of a 3000 year old book, something a paid rage instigator on FOX News said, or just plain, old fashioned, hate. In an attempt to help you, the faithful Little Tiny Brain reader, respond to such people, we’ve compiled a list of responses to actual quotes presented to us concerning gay marriage and homosexuality. Sure, you’re just regurgitating a thing you read too, but we don’t get paid, aren’t angry, and pride ourselves on being semi-intelligent.

Everything you’re about to read is something we have heard people say. In person. Out loud. From other adults. Adult humans. Oof. Supreme Lord Thaddeus P. Planetcrusher needs to hurry.

“Well, God put us on Earth to procreate and if’n folks keep choosing to be gay, we’ll run out of people.”

First off, people don’t “choose” to be gay. If Lady Gaga and science are to be believed, people are born that way. Not a lot of folks choosing a life of guaranteed harassment. Example? I didn’t “choose” to be attracted to money hungry, hot girls. I was born that way. Where is there a camp to de-program me from that sort of behavior?

Less people? Wow. That sounds like a pretty great proposition. Have you been to anywhere lately? Think about all the people wherever that may have been and then imagine less of them. Concerts, malls, freeways, and everywhere else would be much improved. If more gays means less people, then so be it. My Facebook feed would probably become a lot more interesting too what with the lack of pictures of kids.

Also, I’m positive if the survival of humanity hinged on a gay dude and a lesbian banging, they’d take the hit for humanity and engage in  some passionless boning, not unlike millions of married couples do on a semi-regular basis.

“Well if a man marries another man, you gonna let a man marry a horse?”

Damn right I will as long as that horse can sign a marriage license and is able to fully comprehend love and marriage. Clomping out “I Love You” with hooves counts.

“If gays can marry, what’s to stop someone from marrying a child?”

The law. The law would stop that from happening. Dear lord.

“Jesus said it’s wrong! It’s in the Bible!”

Jesus never said anything involving homosexuality or gay marriage. He was too busy healing the sick, helping the poor and dying for your sins to worry about whether or not two dudes should be married. Turns out Jesus had a lot on his plate. Not on that plate? Being a homphobic fool.

If you want to use the Bible, remember there’s no asterisk next to John 3:16. There’s also a good chance He may have mentioned homosexuality in Matthew 19:11-12 where Jesus mentions men born as “eunuchs” which at the time the Bible was first written was a widely used literary term for “homosexual”. So it’s possible Jesus said people are born gay. Whoops.

“I’m fine with gays because I don’t hate the sinner, just the sin.”

Then let sinners you “don’t hate”, marry.

“Gays getting married effects the sanctity of marriage.”

Maybe if people spent less time fighting the “Pink Menace” of gay marriage and more time on their marriage, the “sanctity” of marriage would be unaffected.

“But I just hate things I don’t understand. Screaming and yelling about people I’ll never meet, wanting to marry, is easier than focusing on my own family and life. I don’t know how to solve the problems in my own life so I deflect by turning my desperate confusion into hate for a group of people I don’t understand because it’s easier than being open minded and compassionate!”

I made that last one up but that’s absolutely the undertone of the prior statements. The reason people hate other people is fear. Fear of change. Those who protest gay marriage are cut from the same cloth as those from our past who protested civil rights of any kind.  Yesterday’s, “A black fella at my lunch counter? Not in my town!” is today’s, “Gays gettin’ married? Not in my town!”. Irrational hate fueled rage at change is synonymous with those on the wrong side of history. We laugh at those who once thought women shouldn’t vote and separate drinking fountains seemed a fine idea. Humanity’s narrative is littered with the narrow minded who let their misguided views drive their actions. As American society evolves, we’ll one day look back and wonder how we ever could have devoted such time and effort fighting what was proven to be a losing battle.

As with segregation, so will the denial of rights to gay couples become nothing more than an embarrassing footnote in our glorious history. America hasn’t always been perfect, but we’re getting there. We make mistakes, learn from them, grow, and move on to the next thing. Our accomplishments will outshine our shortfalls. It’s how history works.

Except for the Indians. Oof. Sorry about that, Indians. Really.


One thought on “Every Response to Every Argument Against Gay Marriage You’ll Ever Need

  1. Yo, I’m on your side so I’ll give you some more arguments since this has them all.

    Leviticus 20:13 – If a man lays with another man as he would a woman, it is an abomination and he should be put to death.

    So if the one quoting this one isn’t killing people he must not believe the word of God literally. He better get out his stones to throw. Also, this literally addresses only man on man, soooooo lesbians must be just fine. Also, not addressed, the practice of having multiple wives, in a marriage… making the ladies married… to ladies.

    Corinthians 6:9-11 – the effeminate shall not inherit the kingdom of God

    … like … just anyone acting like a woman? So, like women can’t go to heaven… unless their really butch? OOOooooohhh maybe the word is translated from some word that means something else other than what the 5 translations and finally to modern English means to us.

    Sodom and Gammorah burned down – yeah, for A LOT of things. For doing EVERYTHING wrong. Lust being one of those things, not marriage.

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