The Second Amendment: Unabridged

by Jacob Dyck and America’s Founding Fathers

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So another mindless shooting in a public place happened yesterday. I realize this narrows the possible date down to any one of the previous five thousand days, so for the sake of clarity, today is January 14, 2014. (And up until yesterday I was still writing 2013 on my public shooting stories!) More important than the date is it’s once again time for half of Facebook to make a cogent, compassionate point about gun control and for the other half of Facebook to say “SECOND AMENDMENT! ARF! ARF! GRRRRRR… ARF!”


As passionate as gun owners are about the right to bear arms, did you realize they actually know very little about the amendment they hold so dear? Far be it from me to suggest a group largely identifying as “Christian” strongly defend a text it knows very little about, but the truth is a large section of the second amendment has been kept from the general public since its inception. Until now. Thanks to calling in a favor from Doc Brown, I am able to reveal to you the second amendment in its entirety. Get informed below.

Second Amendment Unabridged

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.*

*Having said that, maybe take a moment or two to contemplate and understand the world around you before applying this amendment to your life and dedicating every ounce of passion in your body to, let’s be honest, one of the least important amendments in the Bill of Rights. I mean, we’re including it now because we have so little of value in our lives we get off on guns. If mankind ever invents, let’s say, a flying machine or some type of magic box allowing us to look at boobs and moving images of humorous cats, you can bet your sweet ass my musket will hold about as much value for me as the two-fifths of the slave that doesn’t exist.

Maybe don’t put so much stock into “exercising your rights”. Christ… You people and your “rights”. Do you honestly think we’ve been endowed with some mystical infallibility allowing us to dictate what rights you do and don’t have? We are a bunch of chimps in intensely uncomfortable shirts and powdered wigs cobbling together the best bits of advice we can, given the cartoonishly small amount of knowledge available to us. For shit’s sake, if the second amendment said you have the right to shove a honey-covered trout up your ass and shake it in a bear’s face would you do it?

The idea people will be paying any mind to the Bill of Rights fifty years from now sickens me. Do you realize how much new information mankind gains every fifty years? I’m fairly certain my grandfather was confused by potatoes. And I have to imagine the acquisition of knowledge will only accelerate in the future. I can’t even wrap my mostly empty head around what we’ll know two hundred years from now. At that time, if the Bill of Rights is regarded as anything more than “the naive musings of the children of goat molesters”, it will surely be a sign that no god exists to wipe us from the face of the earth once it becomes clear we’ve reached an evolutionary dead end.

Also, don’t wallow in paranoia and trot out this “slippery slope” nonsense any time you can’t present a reasonable counterpoint. When someone invents a gun that fires more than one shot every quarter hour (and someone will, because we are awful) and uses it to mow down a roomful of children, maybe concede that something should be done to prevent that. I swear you’ll be able to keep the gun under your pillow you use on “any of them that don’t look like Will Smith” and that bigger gun you use to control animal population.

Because all those animals that evolved and flourished over hundreds of millennia have been desperately waiting for an alpha male to come along, make his body invisible, douse an area with a scent tricking the dumb animal to come near, then exploding the animal’s heart with a bullet from a high-powered rifle right before the man goes home, gets drunk, eats a bit of the animal just so he won’t feel like a complete asshole and gives the rest of it to friends and co-workers who grudgingly accept the meat because this is all this sad, unthinking man has in his life. You know, the actions of a real man’s man. Well, a man’s man who didn’t want his comfortable life disrupted for more than an afternoon by some silliness like a war or extinguishing a fire. Basically a man who wants to do his impression of a man once or twice a year.

In summary, maybe be less concerned with your rights and more concerned with what makes the world better. Or at least less awful. I know it’s easy to disregard what’s best for the world when some similar-minded asshole with a bulging vein in his forehead tells you the world is out to get you, but I can assure you that’s not the case. We aren’t scared of your gun; we’re scared of why the gun is so goddamn important to you. So the next time you’re at the firing range hiding your erection from the other patriots with rage-boners, head home fifteen minutes earlier than usual and ask yourself why you value your shiny little toy more than philosophy, charity, literature, or anything else requiring heart or mind. Getting off the high known as “ignorance-induced anger” will give you the DTs pretty bad, but you’ll be better for it in the end. Thanks for reading, Bill of Rights fans. Now remember to interpret these words in whichever way best suits your desires!

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