by Jacob Dyck
(Note: Dr. Science-man is neither a doctor nor a scientist. And, to hear his ex-wife tell it, he’s not really much of a man. The following factisms are for entertainment purposes only. Any loss of life which may occur as a result of attempting to apply these factisms to an emergency situation is the fault of whichever liberal institution taught you how to read. Enjoy!)
- Everyone in China is a robot.
- If you’d seen what they’ve done to my genitals, you’d know that narwhals are the real “n-word”.
- Art is a lie. A strongly alkaline solution used for washing or cleansing is a lye.
- All of those “Yo mama” jokes were written about the same woman: Yo mama.
- Nothing rhymed with orange until I invented the blorange, a fork designed to scare away the Red Menace.
- Cows have four stomachs. Two fewer than yo mama.
- Those mattresses that don’t fold into couches are called “beds”.
- Every woman who has ever won a wet t-shirt contest has gone on to win a Pulitzer Prize.
- The very first ‘knock knock’ joke went “Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Gary.” “Gary Who?” “Gary, the inventor of the door, motherfucker!”
- Milk is actually ham.
- God sends hurricanes because of the gays, tornadoes because of masturbators, and light drizzle because I have impure thoughts about Cap’n Crunch.
- Women have cold, black stones for hearts. (Sample group includes one woman. How’s Dr. Science-man’s brother and our kids, Julie?! Rot in Whore Hell!)
- This sentence ends with the wrong punctuation?