Dr. Science-Man’s Quasi Entertaining Factisms

by Jacob Dyck


(Note: Dr. Science-man is neither a doctor nor a scientist. And, to hear his ex-wife tell it, he’s not really much of a man. The following factisms are for entertainment purposes only. Any loss of life which may occur as a result of attempting to apply these factisms to an emergency situation is the fault of whichever liberal institution taught you how to read. Enjoy!)

  • Everyone in China is a robot.
  • If you’d seen what they’ve done to my genitals, you’d know that narwhals are the real “n-word”.
  • Art is a lie. A strongly alkaline solution used for washing or cleansing is a lye.
  • All of those “Yo mama” jokes were written about the same woman: Yo mama.
  • Nothing rhymed with orange until I invented the blorange, a fork designed to scare away the Red Menace.
  • Cows have four stomachs. Two fewer than yo mama.
  • Those mattresses that don’t fold into couches are called “beds”.
  • Every woman who has ever won a wet t-shirt contest has gone on to win a Pulitzer Prize.
  • The very first ‘knock knock’ joke went “Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Gary.” “Gary Who?” “Gary, the inventor of the door, motherfucker!”
  • Milk is actually ham.
  • God sends hurricanes because of the gays, tornadoes because of masturbators, and light drizzle because I have impure thoughts about Cap’n Crunch.
  • Women have cold, black stones for hearts. (Sample group includes one woman. How’s Dr. Science-man’s brother and our kids, Julie?! Rot in Whore Hell!)
  • This sentence ends with the wrong punctuation?

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