The God Interview

by Jacob Dyck


The Satanic Temple, a religious group based in New York (and the spot Satan rubs when he has a migraine), has unveiled a design for a monument they hope to install at the Oklahoma State Capitol. The 7-foot-tall monument would include a goat-headed Baphomet figure flanked by two smiling children. I know what you’re thinking: “Which one of the many statues depicting a gay orgy will have to be swapped out for Baphomet?”. Well never you mind; the Oklahoma State Capitol will still feature many gay orgies for you and the whole family to enjoy.

The Satanic Temple offered to donate the monument last month after State Rep. Mike Ritze and Conservative Christians were allowed to erect (here’s where I would insert “childish giggle” in parenthesis to indicate my juvenile sense of humor if erections didn’t, in fact, make me weep in sorrow) a Ten Commandments monument on the capitol grounds. This may sound like a childish waste of time, money and energy, but doesn’t that describe all human endeavors? (Answer: It does)

But that’s enough out of me. In this current media landscape of ours I’m sure you’ve already heard the talking points supporting your beliefs (the “right” ones) and the talking points discrediting your beliefs (the “wrong” ones). You may have even accidentally heard some common sense, but feel free to dismiss that and seek comfort in the muscular-yet-yielding arms of primitive thought.

Point being, instead of giving you some validation to lap up or some dissent to froth at, I’ve opted to get some wisdom straight from the horse’s mouth. The horse called God. Now, here’s my exclusive interview with him. Her? I have no idea. Enjoy this interview with the genderless freak.

Jacob: So… God, is it? Tell me how you feel about this situation. The Baphomet monument, the Ten Commandments monument, the whole silly affair.

God: [long silence]

Jacob: Good point. And how about the two smiling children in the Baphomet statue… What’s that all about?

God: [long silence]

Jacob: Oh, I see. So you’re saying-

God: [burst of silence]

Jacob: Whoa… Easy, big fella. Any more outbursts like that and I’ll conduct this interview with myself. Just a man alone in a room, asking questions, hearing only the answers he wants to hear… Sounds pretty fucking crazy, huh? Yeah it does. So let’s get back to this interview. I’ll cut the crap – what’s the bottom line here? Do you even give the remotest fuck about any of this?

I mean, some dickheads put up a list of nonsensical rules they probably don’t know and certainly don’t follow, then some other dickheads want to put up a statue of a goat man because it’s not like they can use that time and money to feed a hungry kid or help an impoverished family pay rent. Do you see it as anything more than a sad joke that so-called conscious beings are running around convinced of their supreme value in a universe so implausibly vast that the destruction of our entire galaxy wouldn’t so much as register on the center of the universe’s most powerful radar?

And the very idea you created that vastness just so a speck within a speck within a speck would say “I love you”… Not to mention the centuries of toil, suffering and anguish the species has endured. Do our ideas about you speak to your arrogance, our arrogance, or our ignorance? Fuck, man! Right now two people could be eating nachos and playing Madden but instead they’re having a goddamn heated argument about a Baphomet statue that could just as easily be a statue of the Trix rabbit shitting on Alf! What do you have to say for yourself?!

God: [long silence]

Jacob: Bah, you always say that. I’m gonna go watch cartoons with my good friend nihilism. “Talk” to “you” later, “God”.


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