We all hate Spam, both the meat product and the e-mail version. We usually ignore both, but we’ve recently discovered when mining for comedy there are few places better than your “spam folder” for Grade A fresh humor.
Every Friday we’re going to post some spam messages we received throughout the week along with some pithy commentary, sprinkled with just the right amount of snark to make you say, “Why the hell am I reading this?”.
So sit back, relax, and let Little Tiny Brain take care of those spam messages for you.
From Jacob Dyck
It’s a good thing Mary signed off with “Sincerely” otherwise I would’ve been thrown by the fact that she called me John. Regardless, I will eagerly sacrifice my personal information if there is even a minuscule chance it results in a Walmart gift card. Paying $0 instead of $10 for products assembled by Asian children suffering endless toil in miserable conditions? Mary can have my PINs, SSN and as many dick-pics as she wants.
From Chad McNaughton
Let’s see…6 girls in the next 6 days. That’s 12 titties in 6 days, if I do everything right. Ok, fine…I’ll go watch the “shocking” video that women don’t want me to see.
**three hours later**
Well, Jesus H. Gonzalez, ladies – what did I just sit through, and why was Meryl Streep in it? She was transcendent as usual, but as with all her movies, I still always picture my entire hand in her mouth any time it opens. Oh well..that’s my problem, not yours. I have a few questions, as well:
1) Why are the “three magic words that make any girl want to fuck me” in French? That doesn’t quiet seem fair. I’m not French.
2) Also, why is there a trick for triggering sexual addiction? Mine was triggered by obsessively cramming my dick into anything that didn’t scream or run away or melt in the microwave. Seems easy enough without “tricks”, that’s all I’m saying.
3) And we all know the secret to making girls want to blow you is to simply cum chocolate-flavored gold. Next to the Jews, of course, women are the greatest gold vultures on the planet. Don’t believe me? Just click here to watch the video.
From Joel Decker
I’m not sure what “MTN Lottery” is but I’ll assume it’s legit. MTN usually stands for mountain and I’m not one to question a mountain. Those things are massive. Mountains want to have their own lottery? Fine by me. You try telling a mountain what to do and see where that gets you. Mountains killed Sonny Bono and turned the Uruguayan Rugby team into Uruguayan Jerky.
Wait. A “diplomat” is waiting at the Houston airport with all my 1.5 M’IL.USD? I need to get a hold of that guy fast. This poor guy is wandering around the Houston airport lugging around tons of heavy cash all for my benefit? Sweet Lord. I guess the only way to help him is to reconfirm information I’ve never confirmed, like my name and address and phone number and nearest airport and occupation and copy of ID. I need to get that information to Idriss Ngari (Just found out my spell check is racist) because “Cliff Walker” says I need to do so. “Guys, I need a name that sounds like a typical American name for my spam scam. Cliff Walker? No. I said name, not occupation.”
I think this e-mail is bullshit because if indeed Cliff Walker is a real person, there’s no way anyone with that name has ever crossed paths with anyone named Idriss Ngari. Hell, there’s no way a Cliff Walker would have crossed paths with an Idriss Smith. Then again, maybe Cliff Walker is just a sweet old widower from Nebraska who is retired from the electric company and got into some off shore, online gambling debt with the Kenyan Mafia who now forces him to send e-mails like the one above. What’s that? There’s no such thing as the Kenyan Mafia? Uh, there is, and it’s headed by Barack Obama. You can read all about in Glenn Beck’s new book “Kenyan Godfather: The Real Story of Barack Corleone and the Socialist Horse Head in America’s Bed”.