Year in Preview: 2014

by Joel Decker, Jacob Dyck, Brad Chad Porter

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Every other site on the internet has done their “2013: Year in Review” and it’s usually a meandering list of the malarky that took place over the last year. So Little Tiny Brain wanted to go ahead and leave the past behind us. Let’s take a look ahead at the year that will be. A glorious year I’m sure. Here now is Little Tiny Brain’s Year in Preview: 2014 compliments of Brad Chad Porter, Jacob Dyck and the rest of Little Tiny Brain.

The south will continue not rising.

Social media, in conjunction with pop-culture, will spawn some new word or phrase. It’ll be something like “goob-toots” or “It’s right now time!” You and all your friends will use this phrase ad nauseam because you’re all so “crazy” and “random”. The three aliens in charge of conducting this social experiment called “mankind” will grow bored of us and return to their galaxy.

Pat Sajak + Alex Trebek = Murder/suicide.

An American Olympic Athlete will do something dumb that we will collectively pretend embarrasses us while not really caring about the thing or the Winter Olympics at all, really. Another American Olympic Athlete will break a record that should make us all cry because of the incredible power of the human spirit to aspire and achieve, but most of us won’t because, who cares about the Winter Olympics?

Some natural disaster will wipe out 10x more Asians than the number of Americans killed on 9-11. So… I hope you’re prepared to let that story depress you for seven minutes.

Some pathetic, delusional assbag will use high-powered weapons to kill people in a public place. One, or most of them, will be a child. We will all react with appropriate horror both at the sick nature of the event and the media coverage of it. The perpetrator will either kill himself or not, but either way it won’t make him feel the way he thought it would, and we won’t know that. We’ll all be asked and will be asking the same question we always ask… Why? There will be no satisfying answer.

Really bad music will be celebrated globally and promoted endlessly by music marketing machines. Really good music will be ignored. Most musicians will make less money.

After two weeks of disappointing ratings, Jimmy Fallon will be replaced as host of the Tonight Show by a series of humorous greeting cards and coffee mugs. Jay Leno’s time will be evenly divided between bouts of drink-crying and telling predictable jokes to old cars.

A movie featuring a collection of pixels arranged to look like costumed superhumans punching each other will make a billion dollars. It will make you feel nothing and think nothing for 150 minutes, but what’re ya gonna do, watch something that rewards emotional or intellectual investment? Movie execs, while burning money and getting punched by call girls dressed like Punky Brewster, will begin plans for three increasingly unsatisfying yet equally profitable sequels. You’ll watch those too.

Jesus won’t return.

A goddamn pop-star will do some goddamn thing. You’ll click on a bunch of goddamn links to see footage of it and get people’s reactions to it. You will, honest to god, read about it. You – who refuses to watch Lawrence of Arabia or read Slaughterhouse Five – will devote hours of computer time to wringing every ounce of “information” out of a “story” about a goddamn 20-something girl dry-humping a coffin or licking a prop machine gun while wearing a schoolgirl outfit. YOU are what’s wrong with EVERYTHING. If there was an ounce of decency in you you would off yourself so you would stop being a detriment to humanity and at least provide the service of giving Earth some of its nutrients back. But you won’t, because you’re garbage. So what was this bit? Let’s get back to it.

The NHL Season will bring more drama than most professional sports, and no one will know.

The Walking Dead will continue gaining viewers. As for the show itself? A bunch of zombies will get shot or stabbed in the head while that main guy yells and cries for some fucking reason.

More states will legalize gay marriage. Other states will make meaningless political statements by further codifying gay marriage bans.

100 million people will be like “This holiday is such bullshit”, then they’ll spend a few hundred dollars on it.

Madea gon’ be ackin’ all cray! She be sayin’ “Tyrell, don’t make Madea break a foot off in yo’ ass!” Then Tyler Perry will use the pile of ill-gotten gains from these antics to hire a pair of taut young men to suck him off right before he has them killed. Because pandering to church-folk is a pretty goddamn sweet gravy-train, and he can’t let them find out that he contains as much gay as one man possibly can.

Amazing breakthroughs will be made in various scientific fields. Corporations and politicians will continue to fuck you and your family as hard and as often as they want. Countless potentially life-changing books, films and songs will be released. In other words, “WHAT?! A SOUTHERN-BASED CELEBRITY GOT FIRED FOR MAKING STATEMENTS WHICH SUGGEST HE/SHE IS CULTURALLY STUCK IN THE 1950s?! I’M GOING TO EXPRESS INTEREST IN FREEDOM OF SPEECH FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!”

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