Little Tiny Brain Presents: Tips to Stay Warm This Winter

by Joel Decker, Jacob Dyck, Chad McNaughton

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We here at Little Tiny Brain love to help you, the average, every day, person, with life changing tips. Tips that will make you wonder how you’ve lived this long without knowing them.

First up in the “tips” department? How to stay warm. If you live anywhere that’s cold this time of year, you’ll appreciate this information. If you’re somehwere warm, you’ll just sit back and read these and mock how everyone that’s cold in the country probably didn’t vote for Obama, owns many guns and thinks Glenn Beck is a goddamned genius. You’re not far from the truth, you lucky, coast dwelling, hipster.

So get cozy. What follows are some great ideas from Jacob Dyck, Chad McNaughton and Joel Decker, who are apparently all closeted arsonists. Have a good Friday!

 

Low on propane? Just run to the medicine cabinet and get your supply of polystyrene and benzene, and before you know it you’ll have enough Napalm B to keep the whole neighborhood warm for days.

Most churches keep a collection of “slightly worn” coats, hats, & gloves on hand to give out to those in need when temperatures drop. Also, churches usually don’t have a lot of security, so once you’ve broken in and taken all the coats for yourself, the ensuing fire should provide for everyone else.

Pray for warmth. Prayer didn’t keep my dad alive or save my neighbor’s leg, but, you know, law of averages and all that.

Movie theaters are a great place to get warm on a cold, blustery day. CAUTION: This practice can cause lethal damage to your mental health, however, as there is ALWAYS a Tyler Perry movie playing at any given time.

Take a tip from our good friend the bear and hibernate for the next two months. Then take another tip from our good friend the bear and shit in the woods. Oh, so you think you’re better than our good friend the bear? Fuck you, you non-bear piece of shit!

Kitten Piles© are the cleanest fuel source on Earth. Line the bottom of a firepit, or chiminea with tuna. Stray kittens from your neigborhood will crawl inside hoping for a delcious treat. One healthy dousing of gasoline and a quick flick of a Bic and you’ll be warm for hours! Also works with racoons, possums and orca.

Still not getting those boobs warm enough? Why not let the gentle hands of Little Tiny Brain help? With a stark, non-conformist fondling method learned on the insanely clean streets of Boys’ Town, Chicago, the LTB guys will get your sweet tits so hot they could melt a stack of Kraft® singles. Your shivering sweater puppies will be quivering sweaty puppies before 2:00pm CDT, GUARANTEED! Just send an email to littletinybrain@gmail.com to arrange a free consultation.
If the above item actually results in any emails coming in I GET FUCKING DIBS, YOU MONSTERS!!  (-Chad)

A lot of people think drinking alcohol keeps them warm in cold weather. They’re wrong, but it sure feels like they’re right. So drink up, buddy. See – and you thought that Stephanie leaving you was a bad thing? She only did it to keep you warm, brother. Feel better. **goes back to pounding Stephanie into the ground like a fencepost**

Cuddle up with your significant other. Unless you’re gay. Filthy sinners don’t deserve warmth.

If you’re friendly towards children, large groups of them can make an effective wind-break in harsh conditions. Be sure to keep their chains tight though – when one the little accidents runs off with no food or clothes, they won’t last long in subzero temperatures, and recruiting is a total PR game these days.

Abandoned pets and stray animals can make for surprisingly warm coats when skinned and worn around the house like your ex-girlfriend’s flesh. She just didn’t understand you. None of them will, Chad..

Nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned book-burning. Did I say “book”? I’m always getting that word confused with hobo.

Stand between 6-10 feet away from a far-right conservative’s face. In the unlikely event he/she isn’t radiating intense heat, just say “diplomacy”, “amnesty” or pretty much any other word that isn’t “jobs”, “second amendment” or “execution”.

Put on an extra 100 lbs. Americans can ignore this tip. (Self-hating slam!)

“Boohoo! I have to endure 30 seconds of mild discomfort during the walk from my heated car to the heated store or restaurant I enter where I buy an excessive amount of things I can easily afford. How much longer can I endure this miserable existence? If only a website could give me some tips on how to avoid the personal hell of living a few minutes a month the way Eskimos once lived the entirety of their lives.” That’s you. That’s you saying that.

– #LTB

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