Joel’s Big Dumb Head

by Joel Decker


UPDATE: Joel has since received an 8 5/8 Yankees New Era Cap as a Christmas gift. Thank god. His whining was bringing us all down. – LTB

Anyone who knows Joel personally is well aware how large his cranium is. -insert Rocky Dennis joke here- A couple of years ago Joel managed to get an official New York Yankees ball cap from New Era, the official hat provider for Major League Baseball.

Joel decided to take the hat to a dry cleaners, where they shrunk it. What follows is Joel’s e-mail interaction with the fine folks at New Era in an attempt to buy a new ball cap.

—–Original Message—–
From: Joel Decker []
Sent: Friday, December 27, 2013 4:41 AM
To: Customer Service –
Subject: One Size Fits All But Me


My name is Joel Decker and 2 years ago I ordered a 59fifty NY Yankees hat. Just a basic Yankees hat. It was one of my favorite things in the world because 1) I like the Yankees and 2) My hat size is 8 5/8. That’s right. 8 5/8.

I recently took the hat to a dry cleaner and they shrunk it which means the dry cleaner ruined 100% of hats I own that fit my head, not including stocking caps for winter, because my head is basically so large I have to wear the sweat pants of hats to make it work.

I have checked the site frequently over the last few months and can never find the hat I ordered in my size. I assume it’s because it’s not cost effective to have to sew two hats together to make just one.

I was wondering if you still offer hats that size, in the style I want. If not, how do I remedy that? I mean, aside undergoing what I assume is a painful head shrinking process I’m positive doesn’t exist. Trust me. I’ve looked into it.

A friend of mine even ordered a Yankees hat she was told would fit a size 9 from Lids and it didn’t even come close. A girlfriend I had ordered the largest hat she could find from another hat store. When we went to pick it up I tried it on and it did not fit. The stoned employee was shocked. He said, “That’s the biggest head I ever saw! It’s like uh alien head!”. Maybe that’ll give you an idea of the awesome self esteem boost not being able to find a ball cap gives a guy.

I really liked that hat and would appreciate any information you can provide my and my big, dumb, head. I know it’s a “first world” problem to not find a giant hat I like but I figured I’d ask.

Thanks for your time.

– Joel

Five days later Joel got a response. It’s the holidays so the delay is understandable. They clearly aren’t busy making giant hats at New Era. That’s for sure.

Screen shot 2014-01-08 at 2.07.25 PM

To which Joel replied.

From: Joel Decker []
Sent: Thursday, January 02, 2014 3:42 PM
To: Customer Service –
Subject: Re: One Size Fits All But Me
Thanks for getting back with me.

I was able to buy an 8 5/8 sized hat directly from New Era two years ago. I put a picture below. I’m just curious why they stopped being offered. I’m pretty sure a plague striking down only the large headed didn’t happen because I would have been “Patient Zero”. If that did happen, and I’m unaware, that means I’m the last person on the planet with a head this large looking for a Yankees ball cap. My god. I hope that’s not the case.

I don’t play for the majors. If I did, as New Era is the official cap maker for Major League Baseball, would I be out of luck? Those guys get their hats for free and I’m willing to pay for mine. Again.

It’s not your fault I’m a freak of nature. I’m not a gifted hatter otherwise this wouldn’t be an issue. I’d just sew two normal person hats together, call it good and go about my business.

All I really want is a hat like I had, only not ruined by some normal size headed dry cleaner who knows not the pains of owning only one ball cap then having that cap ruined. Are there greater injustices in the world? Well, yeah.

I know your job is probably full of people complaining non-stop. I bet you think, “Yeesh. Doesn’t this pumpkin headed moron have anything better to do?” Sadly, no. I don’t.

Just curious what I can do to get a basic Yankees hat in “globe” size.


– Joel


They responded, and used Joel’s name, which, if you remember being a child, is a pretty good indicator you’ve annoyed someone.

Screen shot 2014-01-08 at 2.10.53 PM

Because he’s rarely satisfied with letting things go, just ask any one he’s dated, he persisted.

From: Joel Decker []
Sent: Thursday, January 02, 2014 4:45 PM
To: Customer Service –
Subject: Re: One Size Fits All But Me
Well, how do I remedy this situation? Is there any place you’re aware I can get an official New Era 59fifty Yankees hat size 8 5/8 in person?
– Joel

Next day, they sent him this.

Screen shot 2014-01-08 at 2.13.30 PM

He did reply asking them if they just stopped making giant hats. He never got a response.

His options are to either become an MLB player or just go without a 59fifty Official Yankees hat. He went a long time without a hat but there’s no way he’s got the largest head of any Yankees fan. The official hat maker for the Majors can’t get him a hat? A Yankees hat? They sell plenty of those. Jay-Z wears a brand new one every day and throws the old one out. He doesn’t have a giant head, and he’s a billionaire, but still. Joel likes the Dodgers too but they don’t sell giant hats for them either. In L.A. -insert ego joke here-

So if you want to help, go ahead and Tweet New Era here and the Yankees here hashtag it #GetJoelAHat. Let’s use the internet for good. I mean, sure, we could use it to help people, but getting some giant skulled human a hat is helping.

Kind of.

– #LTB


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