Jacob (sigh) Previews this Summer’s Hollywood (ugh) Blockbusters (groan)

by Jacob Dyck

blockbusterUnbearable heat? Check. Insufferable children everywhere you go because school’s out? Check. Fat girls wearing shit fat girls simply shouldn’t wear? Check. Yep, summer is pretty fucking awful; but at least we can count on highly original, deeply emotional stories at the local multiplex to lift our spirits, right? Right? Tell that goddamn cricket to shut up.

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Answer an Expert

by Professor Nicholas Goodwin as told to Jacob Dyck

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We who are cursed with the status of “expert” have long been called upon to offer articulate words of advice to the masses who neither heed informed advice nor understand articulation. You’ve asked us to help you with jobs, schooling, relationships, child-rearing and all other aspects of life you intellectually helpless gravy/beer-chuggers can’t seem to navigate on your own. Well enough is enough. Why should I suffer the hell of solving all my own problems simply because I’m mentally capable? It is now my turn to seek guidance from the other half (half in this case means 99.99999%). Please answer my pleas for help below, you drooling clods.

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The Re-Watchable Harold Ramis

by Brad Chad Porter

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When a famous person dies in America there is a strange social reflex. It is a moment we share. Some of us make jokes seeking to capitalize on the attention. Some of us gush and otherwise publically grieve, despite our thousands of degrees of separation from the deceased, in order to puff up our sense of self importance. “If I speak eloquently and emotionally enough about the famous dead it’s almost as though we were really friends.”

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#AskHarland – Advice from a Grizzled Veteran of Five* Foreign Wars

by Harland R. DouglasChad McNaughton

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As writer/comedians, we at LTB long for a way to be unique in this ever-expanding, vast sea of shit. But as total amateur idiots, we’re also not above hopping on the advice column bandwagon. Which probably doesn’t even exist. Anyway, we tried to get outside of the box with this thing, so for our experienced advisor, we went with the insane, hilarious, and extremely dangerous Harland Douglas – a homeless war vet who lives behind the warehouse where I work. In return for hot food and expired medicine, Harland has agreed to answer any questions that I pose to him.

These aren’t easy posts to write, so they’re going to be rare, as he’s a belligerently drunken sociopath who misses the taste of human blood the way I miss having a pretty girl’s foot in my mouth. So yes – he’s very difficult to work with. Basically, I scream the question to him and the actual advice gets dictated to me by Harland, yelling back from underneath his abandoned railroad car outside my office window.

So sit back and enjoy the sage advice of a man who once “ate an entire litter of puppies” just to prove it could be done. And if you need advice, just hit us up on Twitter with the hashtag #AskHarland or send an email to littletinybrain@gmail.com, and we’ll put his years of expertise in combat savagery and human suffering to the test. And now, here’s a lovesick reader and her reply from Harland..

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